post-exam babble

I just gonna talk aimlessly in here.. wernicke's aphasia?? tihee~ so, feel free to ignore this..

As you know, my written exams are finally over today. pause

I don't know how to put this into words but.. hey.. it's done.

My lifetime achievements are nothing to be proud of. The only thing I manage to pull through is sticking my nose into medical school. Obviously I'm frustrated with myself, deeply hurt, quite badly injured today. How on earth you studied but still be a complete fool in the exam? Honestly am I plain idiot or something? You know, when you fill a leaked bottle with water, no matter how hard you keep filling it, the water just dribbles from somewhere. Yup, my brain works that way with knowledge.

I know the best thing to do right now is, stop resenting and start flipping books for my oral exams which start on Saturday, but I can't help feeling devastated seeing how many notes I made, how many hours and days I literally spent my life i.e studying, sleeping and eating on my study desk this year, but still I barely breathe today. Devastated is not a precise word for what i felt.

Feeling exhausted after 3 hours trying to make medical facts out of air, I tried to sleep a bit, but I can't even close my eyes. Guilt.

It's no one fault, not mine definitely. I guess I deserve a pat on the shoulder already by now, for puling through this far, for not shedding tears through out the whole exam month. I know I got JJ for my efforts already.. but this kind of effort would only drag me out of FAIL ZONE , which... I'm not pretty confident with this statement. i probably F____ still. nauzubillah. praypraypray.

People say I should let go and let God now.. It's over. but I still can't get off from this depression. You did everything you can, you study your 244 out, only to stare blankly on your answer sheet. Painful.

All this experience is my interpretation of God telling me that i'm only human. His servant. I can only execute stuff but the end product is in HIS hand. I got to admit I a bit okay not a bit EGO. I make believe that I can do anything.. but in the end of the day.. it's beyond my power.. I can't decide what's best for me. This is HIS job. I need to live humanly from now on.

I know I can face the world. When i fall i just get back up running with blood on my knees. I know I'm strong. What will happen after this will hurt me bad. The day the result come out will be my most miserable day of 2010. I can only promise you that i'll keep my chin up and face it. The truth hurts. When people gave you the wth-did-you-not-study?- impression.. I'm just gonna to swallow my pride and tell myself.. I did my best.. and if HE says " NO, this is NOT your time yet" I just gonna say "alright, next!" Dur thani or no dur thani.. It's the same.This time around God tells me to wait a little longer and try a little harder.

This is the weakest point for me.. The endurance test custom-made for me.

The only comfort for me now is ...

"dan manusia hanya memperoleh apa yang telah diusahakannya. Dan sesungguhnya usahanya itu kelak akan diperlihatkan (kepadanya) Kemudian akan diberi balasan yang paling sempurna. Dan sesungguhnya kepada Tuhan mu lah kesudahannya (segala sesuatu) Dan sesungguhnya Dialah yang menjadikan kamu tertawa dan menangis" an Najm 39-41

How sweet is that? ^_^

all i know is my effort is not in vain.. it went somewhere, even if it don't prove on my result slip.. it went somewhere. Somewhere where God knows best.. I know it's not in vain.

p/s; sorry i wasted your time reading this junk, but i gotta get this out of my system or else I'll explode.

semoga saya sentiasa ikhlas dan redha.