a not-so brief grief

I try to comprehend what happened to my result. Post-mortem was overrated. Everything just crashed infront of my very eyes. What went wrong?

I honestly don't know. I told myself hundreds times that the result is not the manifestation of what I did. Frankly speaking who would believe that? I bake a cake, but it turned out to be a pudding. Illogical. and stupid. That's just how I feel.

I doubled my effort this year and my result just went twice as bad from last year. So next year, I'll triple the effort and get even worst. Life is sure not a simple math.

While other people sleep at night I woke up and study. Other people went out, I stayed home. The test served it's purpose. To shake my faith. I'm losing it. I could hear the devils whispering evil evil words through my ears.

It could be a sign. A sign that I'm not fit to be a doctor. Once is enough, but twice? I should get the message by now. Am I that stupid?

I don't resent anything. But my feelings are hurt. My faith is injured. Now I'm blaming myself for not being a good muslim. A good muslim should say alhamdulillah for being able to stay for Aidilfitri. I bought extra time to be with my family. That is good. A good muslim should think that this is something that He gave upon me to test my iman. But I'm all shaken with doubt.

Forgive me Ya Allah for being what I am now, but I deserve to grief for a while shouldn't I?
I'm all torn out and frustrated.