unreal

I swear this is not hormonal. None of my crapping are hormonal. It's been 2 months, now it's either i'm pregnant, OR IT IS NOT HORMONAL i'm just depressed and tried to unload the load. the later is more logical.

I was actually planning to suffocate myself with peanuts but i decided to talk to someone about it. Thank God someone is kind enough to save my 244 on 5th july. I don't have time to think about how 5 people are going to stay online for the summer (yes, i may sound like a jerk here) or how to raise fund to pay for bills that i will never get to benefit from, I got a plane to catch, it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to run here and there fixing everything now, can I?

I got 48 hours to get everything ready. It's not a crime that I stay focused 2 months only for Exams, right? I'm being a saint there. I don't have one brain and 10 tentacles.

Now that's it over I only got 48 hours to settle everything down. It's terrifying. I swear, 2 days never felt this short in my entire life.

I just finished my last paper today, with nothing in my stomach from morning till now. I feel like crashing anytime soon. I repeat. It's not hormonal. I'm depressed. I'm annoyed. I'm mad. I'm extremely tired. and it's not hormonal. What a rip off!

People around me are scrubbing floors, packing boxes, shopping. Not even a single soul to lend their ears, for me to spill about how depressed I am and it's not about the exams, how tired I am, how I feel that everything I had before is not real. (now i sound clingy and stupid ) The Exams are over, people are carefree. No one listens when they're stuck with exams. No one listens when they're done with exams. Either way I got to swallow everything in a big big bulk and try not to barf.

***

All the comforting things I ever had till now is delusional. It's not real. My 'friends' are not real [noticed the '..' ?] My blog readers are not real. My ICTworld is not real. Everything. Everything that made me feel connected is not real. I felt like a shiny new toy. Now that they are not bored anymore, so I'm overrated. Now that I'm not shiny anymore, I'm discarded.

I made myself occupied with exams and grades and how to excel in oral exams. I officially unplugged myself . Now that is finally over, I felt bored. When a toy got bored what do they do? Enable it back?

The non-connecting session made me feel everything is fake. People never care if you're gone. People don't look for you even if you were never there. They just don't care. Can you imagine stalking someone you called friends, when they don't even care to say Hi to you back? You smiled and all you got was rolling eyes behind your back? It's disgusting. It's fake.

It's like the mirage. You're dehydrating. A fake pool can be tempting, but mind you! IT'S FAKE. I rather die thirsty than frustrated. I don't even bother to move forward to check if it's real. I had enough. Desiring minds are so filthy and mean.

No, I'm not hormonal. I'm not stressed about the exams. And I'm not in denial either. This blog has turned into exactly what I thought it would be. A self- indulged ranting of a confused and messed up teenager. But hey, it's not real. What you read and what you think is going on in here is not real. You don't know that for sure. Neither do I.

in the future,

I hope something will turn out real. The upcoming events will be real. Someone might see me as real. Not just something for someone to turn to when they are ridiculously bored, and when they're extremely distracted with something else, I'm out of the picture. Why does people do that, am I that reachable?

Nevertheless I'm still grateful. To have someone that i can turn to, not as an amusement item. ThankYou. A family to go home to. It's nice. I feel realistic. You don't have to fake a smile to be loved. They don't smirk at you in any case. It's great.

To whom I may entertained before, here's some words for you:-

I unplugged. It's over.

find some new toy. make THEIR life miserable. I'm not on durable batteries.