Down

Oh, bukan sindrom down atau Down by Jay Sean. Entah. kadang2 semangat macam jatuh ke dalam longkang. Dok cari2 Caltex, "Pendorong Anda" tak jumpa2. Lupa yg pendorong sebenar tu syurga. Rasa macam payah sgt nk melangkah ke depan, bila setiap masa terbantut dek kelalaian.

Tak baek betulkan? padahal tahun baru.. marilah kehadapan. Ya Allah~ penat lawan diri sendiri.

Kadang2 rasa nk give up everything in the world. Mcm td pegi Masjid Saidina Husin, nmpk pakcik tua jual2 tp xde org nk beli, rasa mcm, oh my.. I'm saving for Winter Trip but someone here is dying to even eat. It's a horrible place to be at. Penah tak rasa mcm tu? How do I deal with that?

I'm not giving enough to the world and yet I'm demanding to be happy?

Happiness is subjective. I tried to make the fullest of my life, but holding Bijoux in my arms at night is the closest comforting thing ever here in Egypt. I wish my family is here. Knowing that someone is there to love you without judging. Even banyak salah pun, mom will always love you. Dad will always know what to tell when you make mistakes. Life is more comforting with the one you love.

Maaf, bkn mempertikaikan peranan sahabat disini. Tp lain perasaannya. tak tahu mcm mn nk khabar. Lain. Sangat. Someday I will miss friendship. Someday I'll wish I never leave Egypt. But for the time being, I never felt as alone as I feel now. No good words will be able to comfort me.

Pathetic.

Things that you might not be able to share ever. Secrets. Trust. I used to share everything, but now I'm terrified. I used to had places where I can turn to, but now I don't even have good times friends. The one I used to joke. The one who laugh along. I dunno where they are now. They evolve and they leave. They shut me down. and leave.

Bijoux came in just about the right moment. I'm sorry that I've been hard on those who treat her badly. But She's not just a cat, and you are not just a friend. You're supposed to be my sisters.. sisters don't treat their sister's loved one like that. That's just not.. u noe.. "sisterly"

I do need Caltex right now. But my Caltex is long long loooong way to go~ Meanwhile, I pray to God to grant me strength to go through all this.

I'm not a lacking person, I'm just special because I had to fight for it double of what others did.

Do I whine a lot? I do whine a lot, don't I?

p/s= geram dengan hati sendiri rasa nk amek pisau korek2 chestwall, nk picit2 je hati tu.. diam boleh tak diam? degil sangat ni apehal..degup2 bunyi Rabbi sudah laa.. nk degup2 name org buat hape!! astagfirullah~ tp kan... hati tu ape? liver ke heart ke takkan gall bladder lak kot?