Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head

Forward

2011-03-31T11:59:00.003+02:00

is not the button you click when you want the stupid movie to end faster.

I'm going to start blogging back. It's healthy.

dear brothers.

2010-12-25T13:49:00.005+02:00

Back in first year we used to pester the ikhwah like crazy. When the lamps need to be changed, when the pipe leaked, when the gas leaked, when we want to move the closet, when the doors was locked with keys inside, when we want to put the curtains on. We thought it was okay.

but one of them said something behind my back, I heard and he doesn't know it. And it still hurts to the core.

"akhawat ni ngada gile"

That's when I stopped pestering them. It's like a wake up call to me. kami? mengada? We try to do things differently. Learn to be more independent.

Now in 3rd year, I kicked the door open on my own. That explained the musyrif. I was trying to be independent. Oh yes, I heard you alright. Please don't forget that we got technology. The camcorder got you.

If you lived with me for 5 complete years, you wouldn't say that, you wouldn't laugh along. [Is it even a joke?] 5 years. Something less than that, no sir, you don't get to judge me.

I'm no adventurous type of girl who like to go on a Rambo mission. I'm not proud whenever I don't use musyrif. It's terrifying.

I know, not even in 9th year a female can walk alone at night. I know.

But my ego was saying otherwise.

I HAD ego. What I know is a fact and what I feel is nonsense. Since no one care about feelings anymore, let's just put them aside.

I would say, I am truly very thankful to those who ever helped us and sorry for being such a troublesome. I don't hate help. My ego hates it. For that,

Thank You and Sorry.

everyone saw the iceberg, but no one is brave enough to see what's beneath. The main reason Titanic sunk was never the tip. But yes. Don't bother looking, the ship SUNK. [past tense]

waste

2010-12-22T15:51:00.002+02:00

I was stalking someone through Blogspot. Dunno what was I looking for.

264 posts later, I gave up.
[now that's commitment syaimaa' ahmad's style]

*updated
267th - Found. LOL

alright or allwrong?

2010-12-20T08:34:00.003+02:00

When you stepped Wrong, then the whole thing would crash down. The next thing that you'll see is a bunch of people stepping in, telling you don't be sad, don't worry, it's okay. No. It's not okay. Something is wrong. If it's not with you, then it's about me.

I might be sick I tell you, but the more they say that, i'm getting more anxious. Wondering which one is sincere.

I have trust issue. I gotta admit that.

It's a disease. Stay close tho, it's not infectious. Everytime people say "you are fine" I don't believe it. I know, to you I'm not fine. You are just saying it. It's not my low self esteem. When I'm wrong, you don't say i'm right. It's not white lie. Don't lie at all. Tell me the truth.

Don't congratulate me when you think I'm a real loser. Don't try to comfort me when actually you think I'm so dead for doing something bad. I hate to know that people need to take care of me that way. Sick to know that people think I'm that weak. I can accept critics and rejections. Don't spoil me. Tell me if I'm wrong. Don't tell me I'm good and talk bad things about me behind my back.

I'm perfectly imperfect in a very humanly possible. So when 6 out of 10 is good. 4 is bad.[or the other way around] So tell me what's my 4.

When all is good, I read that as all is bad.

which got me thinking, seriously I'm all bad?

I need an honest opinion and personally I don't think I can get that anywhere now. I have trust issue.

I don't trust you. and I think it's my problem

the reason

2010-12-15T15:35:00.003+02:00

No sane person would leave the heated room, the duvet, the comfy bed and the nice pillows at 630 a.m in the middle of winter. Yes, we medical students are insane people.

Our lectures started at 7 in the morning today. If I had learn anything from medical school, the one ultimate lesson would be sacrifice. You had to give something for something. An eye for an eye.

Through out the day I was wondering, why am I here? And I couldn't fill in the blanks. Those questions that I answered oh-so-mighty during the JPA interviews, I could not come to reason to any of them now.

7a.m-2.30p.m back to back lectures. I couldn't even stop to think why am I doing all this. I know I had enough faith and strength to get through this. But we need motives to move on.

By the end of the day, this little monster put a smile to my face.

i'm not doing this in vain. I'm doing this for the one I love and for the one who loved me back.

I miss family. I miss home.

hari koko

2010-12-12T18:19:00.003+02:00

12. dec. AUC bookstore, Costa Coffee, Khairuz zaman

Hari ni sangat sejuk.. sangaaaaaatt sejuk.. ok orang2 europe, us sila jangan mock kami warga mesir yg jaraang2 sekali dapat angka bawah 10 untuk suhu. Tapi hari ini 10, maybe 8 jugak. Ditambah angin ribut pasir yang sungguh dahsat..

balik rumah terus sakit dada. pasir dalam poket baju, dalam lipatan lengan. dalam tudung. oh merata2. balik rumah buka long coat kibas pasir berterabur keluar. dahsat.

tangan juga berbau pasir. Bijoux pasti suka. Pasir~ [permainan bijoux adalah pasir, sungguh geram bila balik kelas pasir toilet dy bersepah-sepah. buat istana pasir agaknya]

winter needs list [egypt only]

glove
winter coat tebal2
perisai angin [lawak gilerr bunyi]
penutup hidung
stokin banyakkk
coffee. [sumpah takleh nk bangun daa dok dalam selimut senyap2 pastu zzZZzz]
baju hujan [ u never know. hujan daa la berlumpur. nice!]
istiqamah dan azam yg teguh untuk duduk dimeja study
kesabaran utk memakai baju kurung dikala angin tebal... waaaa

sekian saja update hari ni.
-ributpasir-

ps/ rasa cam nk kensel je uk trip haiiihh sejuk cam ni pun dh suku nyawa.. apetah minus. ~_~!

Down

2010-12-09T00:48:00.005+02:00

Oh, bukan sindrom down atau Down by Jay Sean. Entah. kadang2 semangat macam jatuh ke dalam longkang. Dok cari2 Caltex, "Pendorong Anda" tak jumpa2. Lupa yg pendorong sebenar tu syurga. Rasa macam payah sgt nk melangkah ke depan, bila setiap masa terbantut dek kelalaian.

Tak baek betulkan? padahal tahun baru.. marilah kehadapan. Ya Allah~ penat lawan diri sendiri.

Kadang2 rasa nk give up everything in the world. Mcm td pegi Masjid Saidina Husin, nmpk pakcik tua jual2 tp xde org nk beli, rasa mcm, oh my.. I'm saving for Winter Trip but someone here is dying to even eat. It's a horrible place to be at. Penah tak rasa mcm tu? How do I deal with that?

I'm not giving enough to the world and yet I'm demanding to be happy?

Happiness is subjective. I tried to make the fullest of my life, but holding Bijoux in my arms at night is the closest comforting thing ever here in Egypt. I wish my family is here. Knowing that someone is there to love you without judging. Even banyak salah pun, mom will always love you. Dad will always know what to tell when you make mistakes. Life is more comforting with the one you love.

Maaf, bkn mempertikaikan peranan sahabat disini. Tp lain perasaannya. tak tahu mcm mn nk khabar. Lain. Sangat. Someday I will miss friendship. Someday I'll wish I never leave Egypt. But for the time being, I never felt as alone as I feel now. No good words will be able to comfort me.

Pathetic.

Things that you might not be able to share ever. Secrets. Trust. I used to share everything, but now I'm terrified. I used to had places where I can turn to, but now I don't even have good times friends. The one I used to joke. The one who laugh along. I dunno where they are now. They evolve and they leave. They shut me down. and leave.

Bijoux came in just about the right moment. I'm sorry that I've been hard on those who treat her badly. But She's not just a cat, and you are not just a friend. You're supposed to be my sisters.. sisters don't treat their sister's loved one like that. That's just not.. u noe.. "sisterly"

I do need Caltex right now. But my Caltex is long long loooong way to go~ Meanwhile, I pray to God to grant me strength to go through all this.

I'm not a lacking person, I'm just special because I had to fight for it double of what others did.

Do I whine a lot? I do whine a lot, don't I?

p/s= geram dengan hati sendiri rasa nk amek pisau korek2 chestwall, nk picit2 je hati tu.. diam boleh tak diam? degil sangat ni apehal..degup2 bunyi Rabbi sudah laa.. nk degup2 name org buat hape!! astagfirullah~ tp kan... hati tu ape? liver ke heart ke takkan gall bladder lak kot?

the missing jigsaw puzzle.

2010-12-04T00:13:00.006+02:00

Have u ever feel like never belong somewhere. Well, it's like the missing jigsaw puzzle, you don't fit in the bigger picture. Plus, you alone are incomplete.

I feel that now. I feel extremely lost and insecure. I don't complete the picture. To be honest, the bigger picture is the one with the upper hand. The leading voice of Student Community. To be an outcast for defending your own right, to choose your path is ridiculous. Never knew to be 'different' is a sin

It's like the lame high school all over again. Everything just came back live and vivid. The

prefects are perfect and me and the others are just menacing around the school giving the prefects something to do. The only difference now is that, it is not because we don't wear blazers on Monday Assembly, not because my uniform ain't blue, not because I failed the prefect interview. The difference is DIFFERENCES.

Differences in thought, in the way we work, the way we reach out other. The way we think is right. Here we are, trying to be adult by saying we can tolerate differences. khilaf is rahmah.

Honestly, I don't see that.

Because the way I see it, is we sneak upon one another, talk bad about each other, we grouping

ourselves in 'groups' We're wearing invisible tags on our forehead. Each one of it stating. "Keep out from me if you are X."

Water and oil will never mix, and so do good and evil. But I don't want to be the evil here. Nor did I want the other side to be the evil one. Let's just be water okay? Tasteless, colourless, odourless WATER! because H2O bonds covalently..

I hope to see we all bond covalently.

iTime

2010-11-29T01:06:00.005+02:00

*pss- gedik nk pakai iSomething. heee.. tiru apple~

Sumpah tahun 3 ni x banyak masa. Setiap hari nk melongo 30 min pun x boleh [tp tido insyaAllah bole~ hik3] Mungkin faktor subjek yg mendesak, faktor umur dah matang & pandai prioriti. atau faktor dh naik satu tangga dlm sume aspek. TanggungJawab. dalam hidup. dalam dakwah. dalam pelajaran. anything..

Telefon rumah pun makin kurang. Waktu 'stalking' dlm FB pun kurang *ahem I !* waktu hang out kurang [masih berhutang shopping b'day girl dgn si comelmanis Rai] CT Stars? kali terakhir jejak kaki ke sana wud be almost 2 months ago. kan? kalau dulu selang 2 mggu ctstar~ kekeke..

tak cukup masa. Those 3 words wud be perfect to sum up 3rd year. andd Ya Allah~ nk kena hafal sume benda.. drugs yg pelik2.. sakit yg pelik2... plus my hafazan time also is now reduced.. haihh... kecewa dgn pengurusan masa sendiri.. macam mana nk kaut sume ntah.. macammana kakak2 buat? macammana abang2 buat? yg mumtaz berturut2 tuh.. jampi ape pulak dipakainyer..

I don't want to degrade myself.. tanak jgk overconfident yg dah wat yg terbaik.. tahun ini pengorbanan laptop.. no more online time.. paling best.. account YM dh kene blocked...T_T how is that possible.. tetibe je x bg sign in da.. chantek x? so nk ym pakai email saje ~

tapi paling penting fokus makin kurang. Yg penting dlm hidup ni adalah tujuan hidup tu sendiri. makin tua makin hilang plak matlamat hidup.. 'gangguan' makin hebat~

kalau dulu mencari2 teman sejati.. sekarang dah tak fikir nk muhibbah2 sangat. Penuhi tggungjawab bersahabat n that's it. berukhuwah itu pun perlukan komitmen yg x mampu diberi. Harap maaf kpd sesiapa yg rasa tahun ini Syaimaa' Ahmad kurang bersosial dan agak 'cold'

Tak mampu nk beri komitmen itu.

kalau dulu fikir teman sehidupsemati *ahem II!* sekarang dh tak sedar pun. Life goes on without notice. Bila Dr ckp "you will learn this next year in ophthalmology" barulah macam OMG! tahun depan klinikal kah? [bilanakkawen? dah tak muncul lagi]

Lawak pulak pk yg dulu thn 1, thn2 beriya-iya plan begitu begini.. bila dh sepatutnya plan betul2, dah tak cukup masa. Now life is forwarding in fast pace. *hyperventilate* so heart matters does not matter anymore ;) 21 pun 21 lah~

Priority. satu perkataan yg sukar dicari pengertian. Itu penting, ini pun penting.. when the road bifurcates, i choose both. Dan yes.. komitmen ini yg buat syaimaa' ahmad agak 'cold' tahun ini. Jgnkan perasaan org perasaan sendiri pun x diberi highlight. Lupa. Dalamsatu hari boleh tak tidur. suma harus dibereskan serentak. Pastu weekendnya compensate tido sampai x ingt diri Nice sgtlah time-management~ Takde the road not taken dalam cite saya.. two roads? Check!

Mencari keikhlasan niat.

Haruslah bila ada teman sejati semua diceritakan. Penat. Letih. Menangis sbb tak sempat siap sume on due. Tp bila cuma ada Bijoux, hati mula mencari Teman Utama. sesi luahan perasaan bukan lg waktu senggang antara kuliah, tp di tikar sejadah.Hikmah 1.

Bila rakan sebelah pun terkejar2, fahamlah kita semua orang pun kena tekan butang FFW jgk. saya letih dy letih, cakap banyak pun tak guna, doa semoga dia kuat lebih bagus. Hikmah 2.

Ikhlas itu bila tidak diucap, yang dirasakan tidak pula menimbulkan ujub. So penat->diam. Letih -> tido. Kecoh2 pun nyakitkan hati je. Hikmah 3.

Jangan banding busy kita dgn busy org lain. Jgn cari kelemahan org. Takut riya' pulak, habis hangus pahala kerja. Jangan mudah terasa bila org compare tahap kesibukan. Manusia diuji pada tahap yg mampu diterima. Toleransi dan jaga pertuturan, harap xde yang terasa bila bercakap dlm nada stress akibat lambakan kerja. Special note to myself jugak.. Agaknya dh berapa org aku 'snap' sbb stress kekangan waktu.

Alhamdulilah Allah uji persahabatan kita semua dgn faktor masa.. Mintak maaf jugak kalau ter'snap' sampai tahap menyakitkan hati. Banyak hutang bersahabat yang tidak selesai. Maaf.Maaf.Maaf.

wah! banyak pulak bebel.. padahal kate x cukup masa.Nak update je dri tuanpunyablog. Tertekan dgn tahun3 baik tekan2 keyboard dari tertekan sorang2 kan? ;)

gambar sekadar hiasan

sabtu 27 november

rumah asma, muhandisin

yg berhutang masa, hutang senyuman, hutang tenaga, hutang janji, hutang ziarah, hutang doa, hutang message2 ukhuwah, hutang sangkabaik, hutang segala-segala,

Syaimaa' Ahmad

[moga2 cukup umur nk lunaskan hutang terbabit~dan Semoga Allah berkati masa2 kita yg terkorban dan terlangsai dijalanNYA]

To Bijoux with love

2010-11-25T01:04:00.003+02:00

Dear Bijoux,

Today when mommy was crossing the road to hail a taxi mommy saw a kitten. She's probably younger than you with a size of mommy's palm. Her right eye is blind. She's so small and I bet she's hungry. She wanted to follow me.. and sniffing my feet. I'm touched but what could I do. Mommy's on the way to Rab'ah and couldn't carry her home. You are so close to getting a sister.

I just want to tell you that, thank you for being in my life. I know you hate mommy so much for not letting you out to play, but I did it for u. It hurts my heart to see how u are so excited to see the sky and the birds, but I have to keep u inside. I'm sorry Bijoux. I don't know what to do. Maybe later mommy can take you out for a picnic.

I want you to be grateful for u are loved by my sisters, you are fed. You are promised to be in heaven for you are a cat. And I'm blessed for having u inside my home.

Bijoux, though you are alone, but I'm always with u. but Mommy IS alone and only have you. We have each other. And please Bijoux dear, don't hurt me like how the other people hurt me. Don't leave me for someone else like other people did to me.

Bijoux dear, human can be extremely evil sometimes. They can use word to tell lies, to tell jokes, to make fun, to criticize, to label others.. please be thankful to Lord that u can only purr. You are saved. I am saved.

To my lovely, lovely Bijoux.. thank you for teaching me how to love without expectation. To care without hoping for anything. Thank You for letting me to love again. After so many people that i cared for is now far away, you are my closest friend. I'm glad God chose me to be ur mommy.

love,

mommy

Mr. Wrongs

2010-11-22T23:48:00.006+02:00

let's talk heart to heart. This is sensitive. This is hard. But it's natural. Let's talk crush.

It's fatal to talk through a girl's heart and yes, revealing the fact that we all had our crushes [notice the plural here] is also lethal. xmalu okay

The thing is, everyone knew it. Everyone felt it but just keep it to themselves so frankly speaking, it's not reallyy a secret anymore. One could never be saint enough to NOT have crush and deter spontaneous feeling by any means. right? What matters is how do we deal with it?

This is the right time to use "ignorance is a bliss"

just ignore it and it will pass. Trust me. It IS hard. especially when you see them like A LOT. It helps to think that they will never notice you, and your 'dream' relationship will never work out whatsoever. Kick some sense into your brain, talk your heart out of it. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT.

okay, that is if they did not notice you. So what about if they work with you, talk to you or acknowledge you? hey soul sister, your minds are playing tricks with you. They never look at you the way you look at them. Make some barriers and stay in-check. Put your glasses on. See them as married or engaged to be married. Obviously you would stay away from married guys right? or not?? ;p

Lastly, keep distance. It is safer for your heart. The heart gives you conscience but it can also gives you headache by tricking you into false feeling. worry not, The brain will do the math. Make way for rational thinking and insyaAllah you'll be crush-free in no time!

personal note; this thing called love is getting ridiculously insane in this modern age. How can two different people with so different personality share the same feeling. It's 1;1000.. winning a lottery is more likely to succeed. Love is a complete miracle then. Back in the old days, they just got married without knowing who and who.. mom and dad are happily married for 22 years now. They didn't wait for Mr or Miss right. Just trust God. He knew best. No need to bleed your heart out or dry your tear for the guy who you just notice a while ago and start getting smitten by only his smile ;)

p/s: Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love; addictive love. Usually, one is inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone.

Infatuation is a common emotion characterized by unrealistic expectations of blissful passion without positive relationship growth or development. Infatuation is distinguished by a lack of trust, loyalty, commitment, and reciprocity. In the case of infatuation, there is usually an obsessor and an object of desire, who may or may not be attainable. -wikipedia-

it's not l.o.v.e so, cheer up girls!

but this is Love:

And among His Signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." [Sûrah Rûm: 21]

You make me smile.

2010-11-08T17:17:00.002+02:00

what makes me smile is when someone said to me this

"I miss you and your blog. Why stop writing? I'm reading you silently"

and yes. there's something else too.

the smile that made me smile. Too bad it's someone else's. Not mine. never mine.

but what the hell.. I'd smile too nevertheless.

loving it!

2010-10-19T13:57:00.001+02:00

when ever it's Tuesday, I got this jolly mood. Because today is the day which we had Parasitology.

Not that I grew fond of parasits and worms (yuckks) but it's today that we get to go back early.yay #1.

And our class is divided into 4 groups, which is nice because i see less people, less suffocation, less noise. Yay #2 is that parasitology is never a boring subject, it's nice to see all those tiny creature making so much damage and yay #3 is the book is comparatively thin and easy to read.

The class starts at 8 so we had the time to ride Tramco (mini buses in egypt) It's too early for the Egyptians to rise and shine so the road is practically clean n clear. happy~

Things can get really stuffy sometimes. I gotta admit, sometimes I feel so small even less significant that the microbes. But knowing that things advanced every years make you want to push yourself further and see how it goes. In a nut shell i started to love 3rd year more and more.

Grown Ups

2010-10-16T22:26:00.003+02:00

It's been a month. Yes. I'm still alive. I never thought people would actually miss me. ;P

hehe. The hiatus served it's purpose. Thank God. I'm perfectly fine. Thanks for asking. Though I'm positive that I lost 5 kg since last month. Ha-Ha. No. I'm not heartbroken or angau menonggeng.

Like I got nothing else to do besides that. I think it got to do with too much worrying. My God, I got only 3 and a half year left in Egypt. After that, I'll be digging someone's boil. Crazy. I know. and still I did nothing. I'm pretty upset with myself. Now, I gotta run. like literally RUN. Baby steps syaimaa, baby steps..

I think Egypt has grown on me. Crazy pseudo-drunken taxi drivers don't give me cardiac arrest anymore. Yelling people won't bug me. I could tolerate immature jokes by the guys. Yes, that one too. It's the 3rd year and still no grown ups in my class? some got married already and became someone's daddy... but still??

God, I miss being seriously mad at someone/thing.

Thinking about graduating after 4 more years terrified me. horror. 2 years passed without notice. 4 years would be the same. God, what did i know about medicine? I only know that panadol is a.k.a paramol. I must had knocked my head on something and lost my 1st n 2nd year memory.. ok. ok. stop.. i'm hyperventilating already...

enough with the quickie. I gotta go now.. I got pharmacology at 8 tomorrow and I remember the post-it note i wrote in capitals to study ANS for revision. I gotta be insane to still sit here and do nothing. bye!

p/s= I got a Maine coon kitten. It's Bijoux. But she doesn't like me :(

lama

2010-09-18T21:56:00.003+03:00

Ya Allah...
punyalah lama x blogging sampai bleh lupa dah password..
kurang 10 hari lagi mahu pulang.. beratnya hati..

sudah 2 tahun.. masih kosong.. frust..adik ak kata.. blog ni macam orang putus chenta pnya blog..

adakah? lol

blog ni dah hilang seri n hilang reader, hilang spirit.. agaknya betul kot dh makin masuk ke 20-an.. matang? old is boring. right? orait la tu jgn makin tua makin lorat sudah...

bukan putus cinta.. tp putus semangat.. nampak yg tersurat mcm terlalu frust n putus asa.. tapi.. each time, i'm back and alive.. brapa kali nk frust pun still semangat nak naik flight n reset lagi sekali... start a new year.. 3 rd year~

ak masih hidup dalam cerita lama, yg luka masih luka.. yg suka masih suka.. cerita 6 tahun lalu.. mcm di rewind2.. cannot go.. or xleh blah dlm bahasa melayu ;p

sbb masa lalu itu lebih gembira. mungkin yg gembira tu hanya mimpi.. tp mimpi2 tu yg buat ak semangat.. mungkin kematangan membawa kewarasan, menepis n menolak semua mimpi.. sampai sakit dipukul realiti.. realiti nya begini.. tiada istana di atas awan.

tiada jalan yang mudah..

motivasi oh motivasi,

ak akan bangun, tapi masih percaya mimpi akan kekal mimpi.. yg ada cuma aku dan usaha.. keajaiban milik mutlak Allah. Bahagia itu pun kurnia Nya. pinjaman..

bermohon agar kebahagiaan yg dipinjamkan bukan mimpi.. setelah bangun, harum Kasih masih mekar..

berdoa agar takkan terlihat dan terpesona lagi dengan istana diatas awan..

berlindung semoga jauh dari keindahan , yg rapuh itu berbau dosa.. moga takkan terleka

Ku mengerti perpisahan ini
Bukan kerana kau membenci
Tapi kasih yang pernah kuberi
Tiada lagi bersama

Seringkala aku terlihatkan mu
Impian nan indah
Bersulam bahagia

over everything

2010-08-25T01:07:00.003+02:00

salam people.

I've been gone for a while now. Not busy, I'm just getting tired of updating about my boring humanly life. It's basically what u go about everyday. Nothing much. Well, I'm not a star.

The other reason is, I'm trying not to get used of having my laptop around. I'll be giving it to my sailing brother. So, no laptop for third year. It's part of my safety measures.
plus, i got nothing left to say. bagus kan? syaimaa ahmad dah tak reti bercakap how peaceful the world would be..

i'll be updating from time to time.. but not that frequent.. seriously I'm out of words..
my presence is a nuisance, so better be gone kan?

so.. happy ramadhan all...

a not-so brief grief

2010-07-22T09:00:00.003+03:00

I try to comprehend what happened to my result. Post-mortem was overrated. Everything just crashed infront of my very eyes. What went wrong?

I honestly don't know. I told myself hundreds times that the result is not the manifestation of what I did. Frankly speaking who would believe that? I bake a cake, but it turned out to be a pudding. Illogical. and stupid. That's just how I feel.

I doubled my effort this year and my result just went twice as bad from last year. So next year, I'll triple the effort and get even worst. Life is sure not a simple math.

While other people sleep at night I woke up and study. Other people went out, I stayed home. The test served it's purpose. To shake my faith. I'm losing it. I could hear the devils whispering evil evil words through my ears.

It could be a sign. A sign that I'm not fit to be a doctor. Once is enough, but twice? I should get the message by now. Am I that stupid?

I don't resent anything. But my feelings are hurt. My faith is injured. Now I'm blaming myself for not being a good muslim. A good muslim should say alhamdulillah for being able to stay for Aidilfitri. I bought extra time to be with my family. That is good. A good muslim should think that this is something that He gave upon me to test my iman. But I'm all shaken with doubt.

Forgive me Ya Allah for being what I am now, but I deserve to grief for a while shouldn't I?
I'm all torn out and frustrated.

kerinduan

2010-07-18T18:13:00.005+03:00

sebuah cinta dan harapan,
menjadi debu berterbangan.
Tersekat nafasku, kabur pandangan mataku
amat terseksa jiwaku kerna kehilangan mu

Mengapakah terus mengharap menanti
walau cukupku sedari kau takkan kembali..

-sudirman-

saat aku menongkah masa depan
kisah silam kembali mengusik ingatan
andai semua mudah bagai perkataan
sungguh takkan cinta aku lepaskan.

rindu pada zaman kebahagiaan
walau bukan kasih didalam dakapan
hanya nama yang segar tersimpan
masih harum, masih mekar dengan harapan.

dalam pelbagai rupa cinta aku diajarkan
bukan kekasih bukan suri idaman
tapi kasih mesra sesama insan
juga cinta hamba kepada Tuhan.

saat kasih mulai kelam
rindu pula memberi salam
sungguh walau jauh tidak berbalam
di lipatan kenangan hati terdalam.

rindu pasa saat lalu. memori yang mengusik emosi. zaman sekolah. zaman meniti kedewasaan. zaman mengenal erti pengorbanan.

semoga mereka-mereka yang aku kasihi dan rindui dilindungi Allah selalu. Tuhan, khabar kepada mereka, aku kasih, aku rindu..

reality check.

2010-07-10T03:09:00.001+03:00

okay. Now I'm worried. The exams results will be out soon. Praying really hard that I get to stay for Aidilfitri here in my hometown.

Last year the three months break was boring. This year I got to drive and plan and go anywhere, but I feel like staying in bed and do nothing.. still boring but i like it. How weird is that? Probably because of the weather. My face is getting oily and weird. I dunno what to wear, basically in egypt i got to wear almost anything i feel comfy in and not feel bad about it. But this is malaysia..

My flu is getting better. I need to renew my license. Go to the dentist. Revamp my room. Get a new glasses. (gosh i swear my sight is not improving) Visit HSBC.

It's 10th july already. Next week nuha n kautsar are coming over. Yippee one. 17th july my brother will be home for holiday. I bet my dad is going to plan for some family getaway since everyone is here. so yippee two.

28th july I'll be heading to KL. Wedding Kak Fathy, Fatin. KISRA, yahoo @ pangsun. 28-8 aug.

That's next week. so what's up for today?

hmmmmmmm...

right here, right now

2010-07-08T22:01:00.002+03:00

i'm back! but with a flu.

it's not fun to just lay in bed but can't helped it. hope it will go away soon, I got a lot of stuff to do.

Kinda occupied for the next couple of weeks.

unreal

2010-07-04T00:35:00.007+03:00

I swear this is not hormonal. None of my crapping are hormonal. It's been 2 months, now it's either i'm pregnant, OR IT IS NOT HORMONAL i'm just depressed and tried to unload the load. the later is more logical.

I was actually planning to suffocate myself with peanuts but i decided to talk to someone about it. Thank God someone is kind enough to save my 244 on 5th july. I don't have time to think about how 5 people are going to stay online for the summer (yes, i may sound like a jerk here) or how to raise fund to pay for bills that i will never get to benefit from, I got a plane to catch, it's IMPOSSIBLE for me to run here and there fixing everything now, can I?

I got 48 hours to get everything ready. It's not a crime that I stay focused 2 months only for Exams, right? I'm being a saint there. I don't have one brain and 10 tentacles.

Now that's it over I only got 48 hours to settle everything down. It's terrifying. I swear, 2 days never felt this short in my entire life.

I just finished my last paper today, with nothing in my stomach from morning till now. I feel like crashing anytime soon. I repeat. It's not hormonal. I'm depressed. I'm annoyed. I'm mad. I'm extremely tired. and it's not hormonal. What a rip off!

People around me are scrubbing floors, packing boxes, shopping. Not even a single soul to lend their ears, for me to spill about how depressed I am and it's not about the exams, how tired I am, how I feel that everything I had before is not real. (now i sound clingy and stupid ) The Exams are over, people are carefree. No one listens when they're stuck with exams. No one listens when they're done with exams. Either way I got to swallow everything in a big big bulk and try not to barf.

***

All the comforting things I ever had till now is delusional. It's not real. My 'friends' are not real [noticed the '..' ?] My blog readers are not real. My ICTworld is not real. Everything. Everything that made me feel connected is not real. I felt like a shiny new toy. Now that they are not bored anymore, so I'm overrated. Now that I'm not shiny anymore, I'm discarded.

I made myself occupied with exams and grades and how to excel in oral exams. I officially unplugged myself . Now that is finally over, I felt bored. When a toy got bored what do they do? Enable it back?

The non-connecting session made me feel everything is fake. People never care if you're gone. People don't look for you even if you were never there. They just don't care. Can you imagine stalking someone you called friends, when they don't even care to say Hi to you back? You smiled and all you got was rolling eyes behind your back? It's disgusting. It's fake.

It's like the mirage. You're dehydrating. A fake pool can be tempting, but mind you! IT'S FAKE. I rather die thirsty than frustrated. I don't even bother to move forward to check if it's real. I had enough. Desiring minds are so filthy and mean.

No, I'm not hormonal. I'm not stressed about the exams. And I'm not in denial either. This blog has turned into exactly what I thought it would be. A self- indulged ranting of a confused and messed up teenager. But hey, it's not real. What you read and what you think is going on in here is not real. You don't know that for sure. Neither do I.

in the future,

I hope something will turn out real. The upcoming events will be real. Someone might see me as real. Not just something for someone to turn to when they are ridiculously bored, and when they're extremely distracted with something else, I'm out of the picture. Why does people do that, am I that reachable?

Nevertheless I'm still grateful. To have someone that i can turn to, not as an amusement item. ThankYou. A family to go home to. It's nice. I feel realistic. You don't have to fake a smile to be loved. They don't smirk at you in any case. It's great.

To whom I may entertained before, here's some words for you:-

I unplugged. It's over.

find some new toy. make THEIR life miserable. I'm not on durable batteries.

whatever

2010-06-30T04:45:00.002+03:00

whatever you do, whatever you say, whatever you put yourself into...

I JUST DON'T FREAKING CARE!

be gone now, be gone

ps: i dislike anonymous messages

post-exam babble

2010-06-24T20:01:00.006+03:00

I just gonna talk aimlessly in here.. wernicke's aphasia?? tihee~ so, feel free to ignore this..

As you know, my written exams are finally over today. pause

I don't know how to put this into words but.. hey.. it's done.

My lifetime achievements are nothing to be proud of. The only thing I manage to pull through is sticking my nose into medical school. Obviously I'm frustrated with myself, deeply hurt, quite badly injured today. How on earth you studied but still be a complete fool in the exam? Honestly am I plain idiot or something? You know, when you fill a leaked bottle with water, no matter how hard you keep filling it, the water just dribbles from somewhere. Yup, my brain works that way with knowledge.

I know the best thing to do right now is, stop resenting and start flipping books for my oral exams which start on Saturday, but I can't help feeling devastated seeing how many notes I made, how many hours and days I literally spent my life i.e studying, sleeping and eating on my study desk this year, but still I barely breathe today. Devastated is not a precise word for what i felt.

Feeling exhausted after 3 hours trying to make medical facts out of air, I tried to sleep a bit, but I can't even close my eyes. Guilt.

It's no one fault, not mine definitely. I guess I deserve a pat on the shoulder already by now, for puling through this far, for not shedding tears through out the whole exam month. I know I got JJ for my efforts already.. but this kind of effort would only drag me out of FAIL ZONE , which... I'm not pretty confident with this statement. i probably F____ still. nauzubillah. praypraypray.

People say I should let go and let God now.. It's over. but I still can't get off from this depression. You did everything you can, you study your 244 out, only to stare blankly on your answer sheet. Painful.

All this experience is my interpretation of God telling me that i'm only human. His servant. I can only execute stuff but the end product is in HIS hand. I got to admit I a bit okay not a bit EGO. I make believe that I can do anything.. but in the end of the day.. it's beyond my power.. I can't decide what's best for me. This is HIS job. I need to live humanly from now on.

I know I can face the world. When i fall i just get back up running with blood on my knees. I know I'm strong. What will happen after this will hurt me bad. The day the result come out will be my most miserable day of 2010. I can only promise you that i'll keep my chin up and face it. The truth hurts. When people gave you the wth-did-you-not-study?- impression.. I'm just gonna to swallow my pride and tell myself.. I did my best.. and if HE says " NO, this is NOT your time yet" I just gonna say "alright, next!" Dur thani or no dur thani.. It's the same.This time around God tells me to wait a little longer and try a little harder.

This is the weakest point for me.. The endurance test custom-made for me.

The only comfort for me now is ...

"dan manusia hanya memperoleh apa yang telah diusahakannya. Dan sesungguhnya usahanya itu kelak akan diperlihatkan (kepadanya) Kemudian akan diberi balasan yang paling sempurna. Dan sesungguhnya kepada Tuhan mu lah kesudahannya (segala sesuatu) Dan sesungguhnya Dialah yang menjadikan kamu tertawa dan menangis" an Najm 39-41

How sweet is that? ^_^

all i know is my effort is not in vain.. it went somewhere, even if it don't prove on my result slip.. it went somewhere. Somewhere where God knows best.. I know it's not in vain.

p/s; sorry i wasted your time reading this junk, but i gotta get this out of my system or else I'll explode.

semoga saya sentiasa ikhlas dan redha.

weird stuff

2010-06-22T02:13:00.003+03:00

approaching 5th july, i lose appetite. This happened last year too. I remember organizing the Grand Dinner, went back and forth from sayyeda-mounirah-giza with nothing in my digestive track but mango juice. Pretty insane.

surprisingly, I manage to live like that for a week without food. (yes, i ate something but just a bit of this and that, not eat like normal people eat if you were wondering~)

This year, same thing happens again.. probably because of the scorching hot weather suppressed my appetite to zero. It's 40 degree. no joke... i swear the fan feels like a hair dryer.

It's so hot that i occasionally have this stupid idea to study in the bath tub. LOL

anyway my last paper is on 24th july.. pray for us. :)

wanna know another weird stuff?

someone or something reactivate my FB account..like thrice! now i looked pretty dumb on and off FB like that. How do I know? I'm getting notifications on email, people wrote on my wall... bla, bla, bla.. ohmygosh... how did this happen? hackers?

i swear i never reactivate it.. how do I deactivate FB for good, anyone knows?

PS/ kautsar dear, i'm doing fine.. will call you after my last paper which is on 24th july ok?

bye

2010-06-19T11:21:00.001+03:00

Never fall for someone u have to crawl for. If they don't encourage u to fly.. tell 'em bye!

death

2010-06-17T16:35:00.003+03:00

People never die twice -
syaimaa' ahmad

might as well prepare a pink coffin for me..
too late....

Denial- "aihh.. tak mungkin aku tak mampu jawab soklan senang macam tu, dia bagi markah

satu point satu kot"

Anger- "Ni salah Dr M*n* tulah, suka buat soklan pelik2, kan sume orang takleh jawab"

Bargaining- " Lulus pun jadilah, tolonglah aku tak mahu repeat, aku nak raya kat malaysia, sekali ni je.. please, please oh please"

Depression- "ah sudahlah, akulah manusia paling bodoh di alam semesta ini, aku tak berbakat, agaknya medik bukan dunia aku"

Acceptance- "kita dah ber'usaha' Allah yang menentukan, tahun depan nak study dengan lebih cemerlang"

they say knowledge is nothing without application. So there you go Psychology related to biochemistry.

Pray harder for me, it getter hotter and harder in here.. i'm losing my sanity ..oh my~

jauh

2010-06-14T18:22:00.003+03:00

ada orang memang selalu bahagia,

ada orang terpaksa berjuang untuk senyum.

ada orang selalu dapat apa yang diimpi,

ada orang terpaksa berpuas hati dengan 'pasrah'

saya ..

percayakan Allah,

percayakan Taqdir,

saya cuba redha dan diredhaiNya..

tapi susah. Saya tak mahu cakap macam orang tak beriman.

kenapa? kenapa 'gembira' jauh dari saya?

susahnya.

jauhnya.

aih, nak balik rumah.. cepatlah 5julai, saya dah tak sanggup lagi kat sini... :(

counting days

2010-06-13T01:26:00.002+03:00

to dead end?

3 more weeks and i'm outta here.

honestly, i'm scared. 3 months of doing nothing...... yeah right. boring.

I send a few emails here and there. Attachment at HTF, motivational programs inquiries, job applications??? lol.

Anyway, my point is i'm trying NOT to spend 3 months of wasting my time doing nothing but trying to make myself 2 or 3 size bigger.

But it seems people doesn't read emails anymore. No reply till now. So I guess, I'll be singing "wake me up when september ends"

So what do i do? suggestions please~

and please don't give suggestion like cooking class or bakery or whatever in that category. Anything medical related is more likely. Come on, i can cook already lah~ ;p

2010-06-11T21:27:00.003+03:00

sungguh, dalam mekar merah warna-warna cinta..
aku gusar akan keringnya putik muda kuntum Kasih

bila aku dongak pada wajah langit suram,
pada sangkaku mencurah hujan,
membaja segala yang aku impikan
rupanya ada ribut
pada awan berarak hitam
ada noktah.

aku
mahu ke langit
mahu jadi putih

pada hati terlakar gelap hitam
pada wajah teriak sisa semalam

bumi
entah masih mampukah aku pijak?
langit
sudikah dijunjung aku?
Kasih
apakah masih dipelukku?

Tuhan
aku malu

bila sepi. bila sendiri.
bukan Kamu yg aku cari.

because I will never stop dreaming

2010-06-10T16:14:00.004+03:00

12 years ago, when people asked me "what will you be one day?" Spontaneously, without even blinking I'd answer " A Doctor"

Never ever I had in mind that one day, I'll be here. In that Hall room sitting and answering a 3 pages essay on Renal Malphigian Corpuscle. But this is today.

Last year was a surviving year. A transitional year. A learning period. But this year is different, I got something to prove, I have a mission to accomplish.

It's almost two years now, pardon me, but I must say from where I stand today, I must have been the lousiest medical student ever lived in this earth. This is reality. This is fact. If I were to be a patient I literally will run from this type of doctor-to-be.

Despite all this, I'm still proud of myself, for trying and pushing myself forward, for setting up a new limit for myself. The sky is NOT the limit for me.

I think it's become a habit now. To feel a bit blue over every paper I took. The feeling of unsatisfied. The unsettled feeling that lingers and haunts me forever. The kind of i-know-i could-do-better feeling.The guilt of how i treated the subjects with injustice. sigh~

i know, regrets are pretty lame.

Histology is now history. I got 3 more written exams coming up. 4 Oral exams. I know it sounds silly, but don't you think the desire to strike for full mark is reasonable? It does to me.

I'm hunting Mumtaz this year. That may sounds cheesy for someone who barely survived first year. But please read the topic again.. eventhough dreams are hard to get, if everyone gave up on their dreams then no one will ever reach the sky.

I'll get what I deserve and GOD will help if I persevere.

To all medical students out there, yes your life might be hard now, it's because you have to save someone else's life later on. Please don't make their life hard too in the future. Keep yourselves together now, will you?

i promise i will.

the glass...

2010-06-06T13:43:00.003+03:00

is not half full.

it's empty

Even if i try to reach the sky, I'll fall endlessly back to the ground.

Ya Allah, bless me. Grant me strength. to reach out again and again, i need You.

I doubt myself. I'm scared.

***

when a glass breaks all there's left is shattered pieces and pool of blood.
i hate this situation. but it's the best. we never had chemistry after all.

Isu Besar

2010-06-01T12:24:00.007+03:00

“Jika kamu berbuat kebaikan, (maka faedah) kebaikan yang kamu lakukan adalah untuk diri kamu; dan jika kamu berbuat kejahatan, maka (kesannya yang buruk) berbalik kepada diri kamu juga. Oleh itu, apabila sampai masa janji (membalas perbuatan derhaka kamu) kali kedua, (Kami datangkan musuh-musuh kamu) untuk memuramkan muka kamu (dengan penghinaan dan keganasannya); dan untuk memasuki masjid (BaitulMaqdis) sebagaimana mereka telah memasukinya pada kali yang pertama; dan untuk menghancurkan apa sahaja yang mereka telah kuasai, dengan sehancur-hancurnya.” [Al-Israa' 17: 7]

dan terbukti janji Allah...

Biar sampai kiamat Israel tetap Israel.

Dan saat2 semua melampiaskan kegeraman terhadap Israel laknatullah, masih terlalu sedikit yang memahami betapa disebalik isu sebesar ini hanya solusi sekecil satu perkataan yang dapat menjahanamkan mereka. PERUBAHAN

Juga suara2 kecil yang mengutuk, memaki, menghambur jutaan kata nista buat tentera Israel, namun usaha sekecil menadah tangan dan berdoa yang diterima dan sampai ke Gaza (jika ikhlas)

Paling terkilan, ada juga yang mengeluarkan kata2 "oh, tak sampailah duit aku ke sana" Jangan risau sahabat, pasti ada saham kita di akhirat. Pelaburan ini bukan pelaburan ASNB. Perlaburan Akhirat itu tidak pernah rugi

Dan kemarahan kita yang membuak-buak. Kesensitifan kita yang kadangkala tak bertempat.

"Bom saja Israel tu."

"Jom perang!"

Isu Palestin jadi isu sekejap-sekejap, jadi isu semangat zaman. Kadang muncul. Kadang malap. Kadang amarah kita memuncak. Kadang lalai, masih ralit menonton American Idol. Siang berdemonstrasi, malam berhibur dengan AF. Menonton video2 kezaliman Israel sambil membelikan peluru buat mereka. Macam orang bodoh. Ya, saya juga tergolong dalam orang2 bodoh terbabit.

Teman sekuliyah saya berbangsa Turki dari dulu hingga sekarang, matlamat beliau konsisten. Mahu jadi Doktor untuk ke Palestin. Kita? sekejap ya, sekejap tak. Istiqamah?

realiti sentiasa mengalahkan ilusi - ust Hasrizal

Suara2 kegeraman untuk 'membunuh' Israel hanya disambut dengan gelak tawa orang mereka. Suara2 ancaman kita jadi bahan gurauan mereka. Apa tidak nya? Kalau tidak minum MILO sehari kita boleh 'mati', inikan pula hendak membunuh tentera Israel. Mereka pasti gelak berdekah-dekah pada kita.

Sebelum 'bunuh' Israel, apakata kita 'bunuh' jahiliyyah kita terlebih dahulu? Kalau belum siap untuk bangun di tengah malam dan bertahajud, selagi itu jangan mimpi untuk berjihad.

Selagi belum siap melawan mungkar dalam kelompok sendiri, jangan harap nak melawan tentangan israel dan apache2 nya. Kalau syaitan bersenjatakan celak dan tongkat itu belum kita tewaskan, jangan minta nak ke perbarisan hadapan melawan m16 mereka.

Jangan Harap

Islam itu tinggi tidak ada lebih tinggi daripadanya

Perhatikan pula orang kita hari ini, anak yang patutnya dibesarkan menjadi tentera2 Allah di buang2 ibarat sampah. Remaja kita yang sepatutnya menjadi fatta tapi jadi futur. Yang bijak pandai tak reti erti perjuangan, yang lemah dan bodoh pula menjadi 'panglima'

Ummat yang ramai berpecah-pecah. Zaman kegemilangan kita hanya di lembaran buku sejarah. dan kita yang lemah ini pandai pula mendabik dada. Ya inilah orang islam. Orang kita. Tapi siapakah kita kini?

Singa di dalam sangkar tidak mungkin menjadi Raja Rimba. Begitulah kita, sekali dijentik sekali mengaum. Tapi esok masih tidur. Tidur yang lena, tidur yang panjang.

Tak sedar agama sendiri jadi bahan mainan. Tak sedar yang jadi keparat itu bukan lagi Israel. Tapi diri sendiri yang buat2 buta tentang isu besar.

Mereka yang tidur tak mungkin dapat melawan yahudi dan nasrani yang sentiasa celik.

Jangan minta untuk berperang sedang dalam perperangan psikologi ini kita sedang kalah.

Selagi belum islah bangsa kita, jangan keluar ke medan itu. Belum sempat menghunus senjata kita dulu yang tersungkur.

Dan saat kita berkobar-kobar tanpa senjata (doa) kita.. kita umpama tikus. Tikus makmal yang bisu dan mencicit lari bertempiaran. Lemah dan menghinakan.

Allah berfirman dalam Al-Quran

“Maka apabila sampai masa janji (membalas kederhakaan kamu) kali yang pertama dari dua (kederhakaan) itu, Kami datangkan kepada kamu hamba-hamba Kami yang kuat gagah dan amat keras serangannya lalu mereka menjelajah di segala ceruk rantau (untuk menyerang dan mengusir kamu); dan (sebenarnya peristiwa itu) adalah satu janji yang benar-benar berlaku” [al-Israa' 17: 5]

Janji Allah = hamba-hamba Kami yang kuat gagah

Kuat dan gagah itu pastilah bukan mereka yang 'mati' apabila tidak minum MILO dan makan KFC. Pasti juga bukan mereka yang tak bangun2 saat azan subuh berkumandang. Bukan juga mereka yang takut hilang kawan lalu tak amar maa'ruf nahi mungkar.

selalu bahasa dan tulisan saya disalah tafsir.. maka kali ini, saya permudahkan.

point form.

Berusahalah menjadi ummat Islam yang cemerlang. Hanya dengan itu kita mampu 'berperang'
Sentiasa jadikan Palestin isu utama, bukan isu lapuk
Teruskanlah menderma. InsyaAllah walaupun tak sampai ada saham nya di sana
Boikot barangan Israel.
Berdoa dan solat hajat. Bacakan Qunut Nazilah.
Banteras kemungkaran. Hanya ummat Islam terbaik yang dapat hapuskan Israel dan musuh2 Allah, dan Dia boleh dengan mudah mengantikan kita dengan umat yang lain yang lebih baik dari kita.

Israel, yahudi, nasrani sampai kiamat akan jadi israel, yahudi dan nasrani.. kita? sampai bila kita nak dipijak-pijak begitu? Islam akan menang, tapi dimanakah kita dalam kebangkitan itu? di bangku penonton atau di dalam padang melakukan hatrik? fikir-fikirkan lah.

baca juga ini

happy sunday [sneakpeak]

2010-05-30T16:58:00.004+03:00

kek pelangi buat sendiri.. dgn mixer 'jepun' dan 'cina'

we had fun photoshoot with the 'rented' Kak Em's G10

eating. chitchatting. again camwhoring... TQ all.

off to study. more will be uploaded.. uhmm.. i dunno~ next year?

hik2

bye

2010-05-30T00:01:00.002+03:00

"Life never pleases you, this is how you execute it"
-Syaimaa' Ahmad

It's already a new day here in Cairo.

Thanks for the earliest birthday wish from Kautsar. TQ for always being the first one to wish me.. Dayah, am, bib, hanim.. n my smkaa-ian friends came next.. TQ for the everlasting ukhwah. TQ for ur efforts tho i got no FB wall to comment on anymore ;(

this is going to be long and tiresome,but i got something to say please read itALL or leave it now. ;)

First and foremost, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah and alhamdulillah.. Praises to Allah. today 0001 30th may... I'm still here. Allahumma solli ala Muhammad pbuh, for his hardship I'm born muslim.

Thank You Mama for delivering me into this wonderful earth, Thank You Baba for raising me up till I'm decent 20.. I'm now a youth, insyaAllah.. will uphold your values. Thank You Salman, Salwani, Syuhaida, Syifaa' because of you guys.. I'm a sister with proud and honor. For making me a 'Kaklong'. a big proud kaklong.

I'm a bit emotional tonight. By this line, you probably clicked close already. boring I know. ;p

I think it's never to late to be grateful with what you had today.

Turning 20, i realised, how I am a lacking daughter, family, friend, course mate. Everything. Despite this, I still got a whole bunch of rapport system behind my back. To console me, to comfort me.. even at times when i cried secretly behind my pillows. No one promised you a better life, but Allah says HE is always closer than your veins.

Even at times I can be a total selfish jerk, yet there's always someone who came and literally beg for my forgiveness. I'd like to give you my deepest most sincere apologies.. sorry for everything. It's not fair. Because it's always my bad. Yes, people can hurt you, but I will always, always, remember that I hurt others too.

I am a glass. So true. Fragile.Once broken.. I hurt someone else. I'm broke, but you're cut. Sorry.

I guess after all, I never deserve the whole blessing that I got in the form of friends. I'm mean. I'm evil. But thank you for being one of my support system. I'm grateful. Grateful enough that i don't have words to give meaning to it.

Today is 30th may.

FB was once a big help when it comes to remembering one's birthday. Mine is now gone. It has a different feeling to it, when someone make an effort to send you a message on your phone at 0001. TQ. or people calling you from Mansoura to wish you. TQ or those who stayed in the kitchen helping me baking cake when exams is next week. TQ

I always believe in "you don't get what you don't give" but i got it today. Sorry again. I'm a big time loser when it comes to dates and numbers. But you never forget. TQ. If you said it tomorrow or the day but not today.. the feeling is different. But today. It's called gratefulness. Today when you said Happy Birthday I'm grateful.

It has a different feeling to it. I swear I dropped tears.

Today is 30th may.

I cried 26th may. and I cried again today. But it has a different feeling to it. Today I got my answers. I no longer wait. Today God has answered one from thousands of my prayers. Today He showed me true friendship and love. I no longer anticipate. The one I'm waiting, the one I'm holding on to, the one I said, "God, I wish to wait", yes, the one.. I let lose on 30th may. My heart is torn, but I'm more than happy. I'm ecstatic.

Because I'm turning 20. Looking back to what i've said and done.. I'm still a plain Syaimaa' Ahmad who waits for the rain to fall and stay for rainbows. It's over.

I want to soar. I want to go. I wish to erase everything and start a new. To be muslimah, mukminah solehah, I have to let go and delete everything. I wish to turn and never look back.

I once asked you to delete and defrag.. today is my lucky day. Would you do it as a favour for me?

delete.and.defrag.

Today is 30th May.

I never waits for a wish to drop by. I hope for a doa.. silent prayers from someone who cares enough to call me a friend. If you care enough you'll remember. I'm satisfied with just two words.

It sounds like a threat. But I'll see. and He knows..

because tomorrow is 31st May.. it's someone's else Big day.. but not today.. today is my day. Pray longer.

Today is 30th May.

I'm turning 20. It might be my last birthday. We never know. But I wish to live longer. I got a mission. But if today is my last Big day, I wish for everyone to let go their grunge off me. That would be a nice gift for me.

Today is 30th May.

And 6th June is Examination Day. If you read this up to this point then I'd say Thank You. It's 30th May. And it suxs to read someone's rambling about her life in here. But it's 30th may.. and it' my birthday, I'm thankful you care enough to read it now and here. It shows that I'm somewhere in your heart. as a friend. a family. a part from my rapport system. I'm there. TQ. It's a waste of time to read something which anatomy is by far the most important stuff in life, but today is 30th May. and you read this today. My Birthday.

Today is 30th May.

If no one reads this, I'm okay. Because today is 30th May. No one marks their calender for today. It's not Mother's Day. It's not Independence's Day. It's just a birthday. My birthday. Someone's turning 20 today. Someone's approaching death today. It's nothing.

but someone is reading it today. TQ. It puts smile on me. TQ. I'm happy. TQ.

Because every blessings come in disguise. I have to embrace everything.

Today is 30th May

I'm 20. This year. It's all about appreciation. I appreciate you. Yes you. The one reading this now. I

only after the heavy rain and sun you'll get to see...

rainbows.

Happy Birthday Syaimaa' Ahmad.

jemputan

2010-05-28T15:06:00.001+03:00

words are swords

2010-05-27T16:37:00.006+03:00

It hurts. I bleed.

It starts with a joke and end with a catastrophe. Approaching 20 and I learnt so much.

I hope everyone learnt that too.

****

Medical Facts, Al-Quran and Life integrations.

The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is the very front of the brain, located right beneath the forehead. It is in the anterior (front) region of the frontal lobes. Besides being the front of the brain physically, it is responsible for the executive functions, which include mediating conflicting thoughts, making choices between right and wrong or good and bad, predicting future events, and governing social control, such as suppressing emotions . The prefrontal cortex is the brain center most strongly implicated in qualities like sentience, human general intelligence, and personality.

Allah has said

praying at the Kaaba:

“No! If he does not stop, We will take him by the naseyah (front of the head), a lying, sinful naseyah (front of the head)!” (Quran 96:15-16)

So everytime we perform our solah in our sujud, we put our prefrontal cortex down to the earth. We are actually obeying to Him and suppressing the sinful center in ourselves.

And notice our unintentional reflex when we did something wrong we pat our forehead and said something like "alamak"?

We 'blame' the prefrontal cortex!

I wish to elaborate more, but posting this reminds me that I have not finish revising CNS ~_~!

To conclude... it is true that Prayer restrains from shameful and unjust deeds; and remembrance of Allah is the greatest (thing in life) without doubt. And Allah knows the (deeds) that we do. [29:45]

p/s- kalau nak jadi baik.. rajin-rajin lah solat ;)

p/ss- naseyah = ubun-ubun~

p/sss- baca terjemahan al-alaq utk kisah lanjut~

bahana ICT

2010-05-26T01:06:00.012+03:00

I don't want to share or "connect" anymore.

Kerana saya benci pada kisah dongeng yang direka-reka

Sampai kamu tak henti bercakap tentangnya

Kerana saya tak boleh lupakan zaman kelam saya

Sampai sesak dada saya lari dari nya.

Kerana saya gagal menapisnya dengan tapisan akhirat

Sampai tak bermanfaat jadinya

Mungkin ini jalan yang terbaik. Rupanya tak cukup saya lari dari dunia YM.. Saya perlu ucapkan selamat tinggal utk FB juga. Mungkin selepas ini blog juga bakal terkorban.

Rupanya belum tegar mujahadah saya. Belum siap menyerah segala-galanya.

Entah dosa apa yang saya buat, sampai 10 dekad pun manusia tak berhenti bercerita. Sampai bertukar musim pun tajuk cerita masih sama.

Kalau kerana single itu umpan fitnah, takkan nak couple pulak?

single pun kecoh, couple pun kecoh

Pelik2 betul manusia ni..

Semoga saya terus hilang dari dunia itu. Semoga saya tak perlu jawab begini dan begitu lagi. Supaya saya tak perlu risau begitu begini lagi. Entah berapa puluh kali saya nafikan. Penat.

Semoga inilah khatimah cerita itu. Saya tidak beremosi lagi Saya letih melayan itu dan ini.

Jahil dan menjahilkan

Sungguh saya benci pada diri yang tak bosan pada kelekaan.

Mohon kekuatan dariNya agar dijauhkan fitnah dunia dan azab akhirat~

kadang-kadang saya berharap, kamu tak pernah kenal saya.. kerana mungkin apa yang kamu tahu adalah dusta.. dan segala apa yang di konklusi itu akhirnya jadi fitnah luar biasa buat saya.

Tak. Saya tak marah, cuma saya rasa kurang selamat. Dan malu. Malu pada yg mangsa gosipan terbabit. Malu pada diri sendiri. Fahamkah anda malu yg bagaimana? Macam diri takda harga pula.. dicanang cerita sana sini.. kalau betul xpa juga.. silap2 haribulan.. anda dapat kad berbau ros. Tapi ini cerita dongeng semata-semata.

Saya jadi bahan gurauan orang yang kebosanan. Agaknya kasihan melihat saya single? pelik.

Makin lama makin menjadi pula. Bayangkan dlm masa 24 jam ada 3 org bercakap tajuk yg sama? mula-mula ok. layankan saje.. siap amin lagi.. layan~ layan~. masuk orang ketiga. dah naik ke otak pula tensennya. mak aii.. hotstuff bebenor.. yg dia tu tanak pulak cari utk diri sendiri ek?

Yg best tu..". yg kat malaysia cakap Isi dia orang mesir.. yg kat mesir cakap yg si dia orang malaysia. .haa.. elok sangat~ saya yg kat tengah2 "gelak" jela.. seronok ke? ^_^

kira okay lagi dari kes yang tetiba saya dah "bertunang" nasib baik tak heart attack mak abah dikampung

nk bergurau pun berpada lah kot.. tak perlu match-make kan saya. Saya OK begini. Hati kosong di isi benda-benda lain. Saya pun tak minat nak berkomitmen sedang ada 1600++ lagi hari sebelum Grad.

yang sudah tu sudahlah ek..

Delete and defrag all your memories . And please don't update. Let it settle there and then. ;)

p/s= kalau rasa2 teringin nak gosip2 tu.. pakai lah name temah ke.. cik mek ke.. jangan guna nama saya lagi.. ingat larat ke nak jawab kat tuan punya badan tu.. lagi2 yang dah jadi harta org tu.. tak ke naya saya kene lesing dgn bakal isteri beliau. ya rabb.. xnak aku~

wan

2010-05-23T23:12:00.004+03:00

maka benarlah janji Ilahi, saat tiba masanya pasti yang hidup akan kembali ke sisiNya

pergilah duka

pergilah sengsara..

andai ku tahu dunia tak lama..

akan ku kaut sejuta makna

dalam hidup berjuang erti kasih dan mesra

cuma mengharap

pada serangkai doa dititip

dari anak yang soleh serta jariah yang ditabur dari jasa

pergilah duka

pergilah sengsara

berbahagialah mereka

yang saat tiba harinya

dipanggil pulang kembali pada Pencipta

dalam rukuk sujud dan wirid doa

Al- Fatihah buat Allahyarham atuk saya Samsudin yang kembali ke rahmatullah subuh 23 Mei 2010, Semoga roh tok wan damai dan ditempatkan bersama-sama mereka yang soleh dan dikasihi Allah.

cucunda,

Kaklong yg jauh di rantauan.

wisdom

2010-05-19T06:49:00.004+03:00

source

wikipedia

Wisdom teeth are the third and final set of molars that most people get in their late teens or early twenties. Sometimes these teeth can be a valuable asset to the mouth when healthy and properly aligned, but more often, they are misaligned and require removal.

Wisdom teeth present potential problems when they are misaligned - they can position themselves horizontally, be angled toward or away from the second molars or be angled inward or outward. Poor alignment of wisdom teeth can crowd or damage adjacent teeth, the jawbone, or nerves. Wisdom teeth that lean toward the second molars make those teeth more vulnerable to decay by entrapping plaque and debris. In addition, wisdom teeth can be entrapped completely within the soft tissue and/or the jawbone or only partially break through or erupt through the gum. Teeth that remain partially or completely entrapped within the soft tissue and /or the jawbone are termed "impacted." Wisdom teeth that only partially erupt allows for an opening for bacteria to enter around the tooth and cause an infection, which results in pain, swelling, jaw stiffness, and general illness. Partially erupted teeth are also more prone to tooth decay and gum disease because their hard-to-reach location and awkward positioning makes brushing and flossing difficult.

-webmd-

pain. i talk less now. Thank God. kurang dosa ek~ i seldom smile these days . please don't get me wrong. I'm just practising wisdom

arghhhhhhh sakit siot!!!!!!!!!

a chilly morning

2010-05-10T04:54:00.006+03:00

it's just funny and awkward to be writing two post in one day, but i'm just too excited that i can't wait to blog about it.

So you know the weather yesterday was scorching hot. It's 43 degree. No joke.. i got sun burn even by just sitting in the house. I walked out after asar * it was supposed to be cooler since it's afternoon already, but it's not* I might be imagining things, but i think i can even see steam vaporizing from the road. Yes, that hot~

SO I woke up at 3am this morning, opened the window and bamm! the wind...

ooh my Gracious GOD~ It was cool and chilly. The wind didn't stop blowing but amazingly, it's not the warm breeze that we used to feel in the summer. I feel like standing in the middle of the ocean at night. It is soothing. It's like therapy for my burnt skin. I stood at the balcony for like... an hour?

Oh.. if you just happened to miss that, then MAJOR lost, i tell you!

Irony isn't it? after the hot day we got to feel the coolest most soothing breeze i ever felt during my whole stay in Egypt. Am I exaggerating here? ;p nope.

Maybe it's true after all. After the hard and bitter experience, little pleasures can take your mind away. If it's not for the brutal hot weather, i would never appreciate just a blow of wind like this.

It got me thinking anyway, what other petty and small things that i've been overlooked throughout my whole life.

Thank You ALLAH ^_^

p/s, i'm writing in pink b'coz i'm so happy~

can i ask why?

2010-05-09T16:59:00.005+03:00

*syaimaa' s weather forecast: May 9th. This heat is just unbearable, i just hope it rains sometimes. It's raining alright in my world

The people that I loved, why they never stay?

It's just about time where people get moody and cranky due to the exams. As for me, the sound of screeching furnitures tears me into pieces. Some of us is moving from here. One of the things i hate the most are goodbyes. So, How can you speak so casually about finding new homes infront of me?

Everytime i got so attached to someone, the next thing i know is he/she is leaving me already. *gahh gloomy~* EVERY time. The more i care for them, the harder the goodbye would be. Isn't life taking things a bit harsh on me?

The reason i stayed back, is.... i don't know.. maybe it's my self defence mechanism? To endure the pain of being left behind, and see if one would stay besides me just for once?

*why am i smiling writing this? b'coz i sounded stupid no? friendship test much huh?*

It's just not fair to care for someone that much, and eventually they'll hurt you and leave. Somewhat slowly turning me into a monster whom incapable to care anymore. I found it hard for me to open up to anyone ever again. *that explains why i love to walk around, alone*

Probably, it's me. Come to think of it, can't be everyone just love to leave right? Maybe I sent them off. I am that hateful~

but, what makes you think it's okay to stop by and play then pack your bags and leave just like that? what am i then? pit stop? r&r? *mad*

*sigh* new housemates is easy to come by. new bestmate? new hang out friends? I feel like a child going back to school already. Every new year = everything is new. Ahhh.. tired of it already.

6 years.. oh my~

If I don't express enough gratitude of having you as my friend, then i'm sorry.. I just don't want to get hurt anymore.

The moment i said 'don't let go of my hand' you just turned and go just like that. Then tell me how to care for someone? I think it's enough to see your back from far, remember you in my prayers, praying so that you lead a happy life now and here after.

This is how i care. This is how i'm going to love.

I hope the sight of empty house won't make me sad anymore ;) If i were to live like this then i just have to make it to the fullest, no?

pindah~ i find this word as funny now..it;s like a chant, keep repeating in my head.

it's boring in here

2010-05-03T18:05:00.005+03:00

did something just diedof boredom already?

I just can't get the creative juice flowing. I lost the sense to say something.

Is my life getting oh-so-dull and less adventurous these days? I have no idea. Nothing seems to attract me this year. Last year everything was interesting. *baru sampai lah katakan, tengok keldai pun excited. lame!*

All I do is just school, home, sleep, eat.

Yeah, dead boring.

I'm thinking of shutting this blog already, but I'll just wait. Perhaps my mojo just went for a vacation. I'll wait for it to come back.

this is good news actually. Well, do refer to my last year's entry, I wrote almost everyday! pathetic loner i tell you!

atleast i spend less time maintaining my blog. and more time studying? LOL

without a word

2010-04-30T14:43:00.002+03:00

I should have known about it
I shouldn't have tricked myself
I shouldn't have fell into such a deep hole made up of lies
And yet , i stand without you right here

I wish i had ran away
I wish i had ignored it
I wish i had never saw
I wish that i had never known
So that i would not hurt like this today

Without a word you showed me what love was like
Without a word i gladly fell for your act
I did not step back to consider what you want
And now i'm left without a word

Without a word you left this love feeling lost
Without a word you have changed its meaning ..ohh
I used to wish on stars.. for you and me
But then you left me dangling..so
Now i'm lost without words

All my emotions are gone
All of them are gone expect for one
All i feel now is the pain
Of seeing you discard my love
Without another second to rethink it

Without a word you showed me what love was like
Without a word i gladly fell for your act
I did not step back to consider what you want
And now i'm left without a word

Without a word you left this love feeling lost
Without a word you have changed its meaning ..ohh
I used to wish on stars.. for you and me
But then you left me dangling..so
Now i'm lost without words

Without a word my tears keep on falling down
Without a word my heart keeps on getting torn
Without a word my heart still belongs to you
Without a word i will keep waiting for you

Even if i wait for years
I will make you love me
And then i will never let you go
Even if you turn and walk away from me
I won't let you go because you don't know that
I truly do love you
I will endure it all
Just to see the day you say it back
I will wait without a word

Without a word love appears
Without a word it's now gone
What should i be doing now
Maybe i should just be in pain
Because this love will never come to me

I wish i had ran away
I wish i had ignored it
I wish i had never saw
I wish that i had never known
So that i would not hurt like this today

best remedy

2010-04-28T22:36:00.003+02:00

gambar xde kene mengene ngn post.

ni bronchus.

esok exam final practical hari ni update blog

gile x?

cakaplaa gile~

Got headache since last night, the sunny super hot weather is not helping at all. Took paracetamol like they're smarties candy*klau betul leh jd smart xpe gak enn*.. in the end i found out that,

all i need was just a 10 minutes nap to relief the thumping headache.

so lesson learnt today:

Don't sleep your head off!
take a nice bath instead of Panadol, you'd be surprised that you don't even need one
Put the cup down. No more 3 cups of caffeine. *nnt tremors cam parkinson baru tahu*

hey, trust me. I am by the way a medical student~

*blerghh, pasni kene kutuk tak sedor diri lagi*

nape lah keje suka condemn org je kan? Nabi ajar ummat die camtu ke? tak kann?

so...

baik kau hus'nuzon dengan aku skang!

ouh.. my world looks red and blue now. too much H&E stain!

ahh, that reminds me, H&M ade sale tak agak2 ;p

I'm not dulu-kini-selamanya [itu BN]

2010-04-27T00:41:00.006+02:00

I think i changed a lot few months back. In terms of everything. The way i think, the way i speak, the way i dressed. Probably i'm not syaimaa ahmad you used to know before.

You know what "changed" means right? So I won't go into details about how i was before and how i am now.

I had my points regarding the issue of musyrif before [gosshh, yes i know this post is going to be bombarded with visitors and stalkers, i'm sorry, but read this thoroughly first] but what makes you think i'm quite the compulsive thinker as i was before. I admit, I am a bit offensive in some of my thoughts, but my words are true. Some might need a prism to view my point because you know through a different angle of it, it is somewhat relevant. Subtle, but acceptable. Agree? no? fine.

One fact you should know about women *or girls* is that they got hurt easily and tend to resist anything that might hurt them. Once torn, forever broken. Yes. I know you might say that we, men can get hurt too. Yes. Some of our words are as offensive as yours too.*pedas ni*

Words said in anger can be considered as trash. Sorry to say. I have to admit, when I'm mad, everything that came out from this mouth is indeed b*&^hy. I am so sorry about that.

But honestly, till what point will we stop arguing about who is right and who is wrong?

I can only see harm than good. Foes that friends. In this endless debate no one will win, instead we will always blame each other and hurt one another in a very mean and idiotic way.

To make this post short and simple,* not that short* I would like to say that anything that might come out from my mouth is not always condemning the musyrif's act and regulations. Never, never had i intended to oppose this as I know it is meant for the sake of our safety.

So i would like to ask a favour from all ikhwah and anyone that i've hurt by my words regarding this matter, to please stop jumping into conclusion that when ever syaimaa ahmad says something regarding musyrif, it is gotta to be NO MUSYRIF.

I'ld like to repeat that. NO. I did NOT say that and please, please.. be aware that, the reason i never call for musyrif Gen 08 is that i seldom went out at night and if i do,the farthest i would go is Beit Kauthar *where kuliah ust Mujahid was held* musyrif mounirah yg selalu hantar balik. And yes, I got to admit also, sometimes musyrif are just not around. *malas nak explain, takpaham sila tanya*

so, i'm not "segelintir manusia tu x penah mintak musyrif

tp ckp berapi."

nauzubillah min zalik, I know the harm of women travelling alone and i believe Rasullulah s.a.w also prohibits women from wandering around without their mahram for a definite reason.

We women are weak and unable to defend ourselves, and therefore to all akhawat out there, don't even try to reason walking alone. Your veins are just too fragile for that.

I hope i cleared myself out. And i will be very unhappy if someone ever co-relates me to "The NO-Musyrif" campaign ever again. I'm NOT the person behind it and I don't need this kind of publicity. I am sorry that i have to state this in my blog.

Now, before you hit that comment icon, bear in mind that this is a 'white flag' entry. So please hold your bullets, I am not creating a new battlefield here. Let's just shake hands and move on with our life. Thank You.

yours truthfully,

syaimaa ahmad.

kalau ade sesapa nak marah2 saya lagi, agak2 nak kena wat formspring tak nak tanya? takpayah kot ekk? nk exam niii.. baik buat past year question ye tak? so peace. peace.peace.peace

peace for all.

and yes, i got the message perfectly fine. Note to myself, next time i better keep the thoughts to myself. It is much saferr~

the plan

2010-04-18T21:06:00.006+02:00

because it's almost suffocating to think about the coming final exams and bractical sh*t [lool] exams.

I choose to think about other things.

LONDON

cik kak berdua ini~ jeles saye..

PARIS

LONDON-PARIS

I'm planning to go there next year, somewhere in the winter break.

but i'm quite scared with my own plans. I'm a bit on and off with it. I cancelled my Turkey trip this year last minute just to go back home.*homesick* i know, sick~

so, i wonder how my next sightseeing trip would be. No promises.

I got like tonnes of reasons Not to Go tho. sakit betul~ :(

it's a DO vs DON'T fight

the irrational part of my brain already listed things that i need to buy for the trip.

the smarter part of me said, don't be ridiculous, you don't want to be there.

i dunno, I'm torn~

I know i said this literally like 1000 times, but I'm having my practical exams on 21th and 22th April. hence, explains my frequent blogpost~ do pray for me. pemalas betul semejak dua menjak ni. tolonglaahh

the issue

2010-04-17T02:52:00.003+02:00

I have the tudung issue.

I wish I could talk to someone about it.

but I'm not ready. fullstops.

how good is good?

and how bad is bad?

i wish to wear this again*sigh

peace

2010-04-16T00:52:00.003+02:00

life is differences.

we fight.

we hurt.

we made craps out of each other.

but this time i'll never forgive.

yes, I hate you that much.

is something wrong with me?

is something wrong with them?

YES

forgiveness is just another word that is lost from my vocabulary.

I looked up my thesaurus for it and it shows ;hatred;revenge;anger; grunge

i'm sorry, but i can't let go.

with hate this much, who needs a nuclear bomb?

Why do you blog?

2010-04-14T10:10:00.009+02:00

Seriously, tell me, why?

Have you watched House MD, season 6 'private life' episode? watch here

that woman is loco dude! It's a death and life decision and she wants to blog about it and get feedback?? what are psycho~

i'm not that insane. yet

anyways, I started blogging 2 years ago, not knowing what type of addiction i might crash into. I'm now diagnosed to have OCBD [obsessive compulsive blogging disorder] JK~

I read a LOT of blogs. Probably too many. It's a great way to stalk [ i mean, keep track of] my friends. They are literally all around the world right now. It's kinda hard to keep connected being that everyone is busy. At least the best that we can do is read their life [blog]

To tell you the truth, the main reason why i started blogging has got nothing to do with keeping connected whatsoever. It's just for fun and to voice out my POI err, POV. My way of expressing something indirectly. For example, if i'm mad at someone i don't have to punch him right in his face. I just let it out here.

like, I'm totally pissed off by the officer at the bank. He was so rude and i gave him the 'WATCH IT DUDE, I'LL BLOG ABOUT YOU!' glare. Yes, i'm insane to that extent.

A recent study proves that blogging can actually make you happy!

and by the way, i got sbring exam tomorrow. bray for me! LOL

i loikkeee this accent.. haha.. limb limb? bushtural reflex? rofl~

source; google image

Does a sign, a conversation, or even your lunch make you think- "Hm, I should blog about that"?

in that case you are actually sick! ;P

so tell me, why do YOU blog?

i'm interested to know.

top 5 things i want right now

2010-04-10T20:20:00.003+02:00

The imac 27" [watching gossip girl in that would have been omg so cool! :P]
Super brilliant brain [xpayah study, sume scan n copy]
1billion usd so that i can buy a penthouse at 30th floor so that the traffic noise would'nt reach my ears
shopping [for my new house ]
a pair of earplugs [my vain neighbours are fighting their hearts out, again. trying sooo hard not to curse anyone right now. makin dekat nk exam makin kwannnnhajau jiran2 aku nih.. ade jugak rumah yg terbakar malam ni ~_~!]

this is just oh so random. back to ur study desk pronto!

the unfriendly friend

2010-04-09T23:49:00.005+02:00

*note; I had 26 blogger following my blog, and now it's 25
one of them bailed and un-friend me?
awwhh... this is so sad.
do you know i'm sad?

*read this with a sarcastic tone.

and btw, i had a great time today. Girls Day Out II~
from am- pm then off to ust khairul's class till 11pm

my God!~ it's fun to kecoh2 for one whole day and doze to sleep for the next whole day.
exhausted!

i'm like busy busy, but I'm actually not doing anything [does busy doing nothing is considered as busy?]

I got a large pile of unfolded clothes that explains my clean n clear wardrobe in the basket, my notes are literally all over my room, books, huhhhhhhhhh~ oh well, i'm no domestic goddess but hey.. i'm quite busy nowadays

I really can't stand this mess, just the sight of my room can kill me but i've no choice. Weekends are definitely not for me.Let alone weekdays. And it's not even Final Exam yet. ~_~!

*updated- my room is now back to normal. Thank God!

deactivated, finally

2010-04-07T19:25:00.007+02:00

I made up my mind to quit for a while from the FB yesterday. I just deactivated less than 12 hours, then i reactivated it back. Vain! i know. hehe.. sampai kene detect siap. ;P Oh, well nothing big. I don't want to go around saying 'Yes! this is it! i'm going to quit FB-ing forever.' Not in a million years~

It's like my sweet little die hard habit. I might literally die without checking my friend's updates now and then. But yeah. I survived last night, so i might survive a week. [tho, i think i'll end up coma afterwards ;p]

The main reason was; i was slapped hard to reality. enough said =)

like i said goodbyes are hard but see you again is even difficult for me. So facebook, see you again ya.. when i'm ready~

i'm kind of like, living in my own small den. zero connection with the world whatsoever. Now, this blog is an exceptional case ;p

look how desperate facebook is trying to persuade me using my close friends *haii godaangodaan*
silly u, no one will miss me lah facebook. obviously not the herbs guy...LOL
just let me go already~ hihi

i'll be back??.. you are so in trouble syaimaa ahmad. I should have pick -other- lol ;P

THBT syaimaa ahmad should deactivate facebook simply because she is so in trouble right now.

with that i rest my case. thank you. lol

this stranger

2010-04-06T06:57:00.004+02:00

us, back in 2006
[oh, how time flies~]

this stranger came into my life
uninvited
this stranger sat on my heart
then
i felt love..

Dear Kautsar Zamanuri.
U may be 100000000 miles away
but my heart still calls for u.
miss u so much

Happy Birthday!

being 6 hours apart pun i still feel pain, nnt kalau 24 hours apart mcm mn dear?
All the best in the states
luv <3

cerita basi [debate]

2010-04-04T18:22:00.003+02:00

cerita basi about the scar in my heart...

the debate...
bape zaman da baru nk upload, sorry ye.. tggu source x sampai2.. ni pun terjumpe kak lin uploadkan

senior in action

POI sir!
muke takle blah sempat lagi check point betul ke x?

e
mighty opponent
1st year
kalah takpasal2 je kitorg

tgk pen tu, ade gaya nk tikam org x?
LOL

dah kalah tu okaylah kan.. dok diam2 dalam rumah cukup.. tetiba

**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
**
*****************
*************
********
****
*

muka masam OMG~

'terjadi' adjudicator terjun pula disini.. dahla kena jugde team yg kalahkan i..
sungguh sadis..
haha..
terpaksalah..

next year takyah join lagi dah. buat malu sahaja~

erti syukur

2010-04-02T08:31:00.002+02:00

Dicampak ke bumi tandus dan bersampah, membuatkan kadang2 hati jadi sayu. Entah kenapa.

Pagi jumaat,
balik dari Bait Anfal
jalan sunyi dan sepi
lorong2 kecil bersampah Haret Sayyeda Zainab
kotor dan berlecak
sesekali menyingsing jubah akibat lecak
dikiri jalan,
ada manusia dilonggok sampah

sedang aku masih senang melangkah pulang menikmati pagi
bau kopi yang manis,
orang lain tak pasti lagi dapat makan tengah hari atau tak.

syukur itu hanya enam huruf, tapi penghayatannya macam mana?

syukur tercampak ke sini, paling kurang aku sedar, aku masih di katogeri "nasib baik"

maaflah bahasa tak puitis, tetiba je rasa sebak

1st April

2010-04-01T10:23:00.003+02:00

ni je gambar yg ad, sedih x? camera kat umah :((

Happy Birthday Mama!

yg ke...
errr

harus dirahsiakan

Semoga dimurahkan rezeki, diredhai ALLAH, sihat dan anggun sepanjang hayat~ =P

p/s- makan secret recipe tu ingat2 ler orang kat tanahtandusxjumpakeksedap3bulan ni.. tq`

***

it's 1st April, 15 more days to final exam.

i think i gonna pass out now. Mom, dad please pray for me...
(seram)

today, It rains again.

2010-03-28T17:00:00.010+02:00

Have u ever seen the world after it rains?

spectacular.

I've been sleeping on troubles lately,
and I'm at wit's end.

i used to say that

If you face trouble just sleep on it, stupid arguments dies after the wake up smile

[which i believe, implies to married couples, but who cares? it work just fine for me ;P]

You know i'm upset if you find me curling underneath my mashed lavender blankie. I just want to stay in dreams. Reality hurts sometimes. But I'll wake up the next day just fine. Smiling like :))

Because reality is where my dreams can be achieved! and today I AM UP!

so you happy stalkers, can go indulge yourselves in someones' misery but NOT mine..

I'm back!

Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes good bye's the only way

And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you

And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey

And the sun will set for you

yes! you, not me

sukan

2010-03-27T15:08:00.003+02:00

cairo sport's day.26 mac 2010
ajk sukaneka
-photos:- courtesy of camera kak ulya n zahidah's-

stalker

2010-03-26T20:01:00.004+02:00

you are gorgeous,
breathtaking,
super stylo
urban accent
tiptop hair
fabulous
scandalous
cute
tall
macho
immaculate

if this is a dream i don't want to wake up

currently stalking some random dude.

i am innocent! *peace

hey, hey.. don't take it serious. I'm kiddin' k

ntah brapa puluh jejaka yang terasa pulak nnt, and please don't be one of them~

jealousy

2010-03-25T22:05:00.006+02:00

"you are allowed to be jealous at someone, but NOT when you have something which is far more better than that someone"
-syaimaa ahmad-

Thinking about this,it makes me feel that I have nothing to be jealous about. Not that I'm going to brag about what I have, but seriously what else can you ask for when you literally owned everything?

My family
My life
My scholarship

you don't have to be rich to be happy, you don't need to have a diamond ring from someone you love, you don't have to be famous to be happy,

you just need to have gratitude.

I'm grateful

I used to think that she/he is luckier than I am,
but no!

I have my humble watch given to me by my mom and dad. Whenever i looked at it, i feel loved. Mom and dad gave it to me. It meant the world to me, even if it's just a watch. The sentiment that it beholds, 24 hours, every seconds, my mom and dad think about me. Now, that's sweet!

someone may have someone to look after her. I am here. Alone. But i have faith that God looks after me.

'I am indeed near.I respond to the invocations of supplicant when he calls on Me' (2:186)

And i have to look after myself because I'm not just random anybody. I'm born khalifatullah. I don't just look after myself. I look after my sisters, my family. everyone.

someone may excel easily in exams, but i have to struggle for it. So one day, i can tell the story to my children. "Mommy have to fight for what you earn today, nothing is easy but Allah says.. innama'al 'usri yusra" So that I know the value of success is not just a toss of dice. So that i know, if you want something you should work for it. And, for every du'a that is not answered, Allah will give something else. When you fall, you just need to pull yourself together and get back up. You know you can do something about it. So you will.

How great is too great for you to be thankful?
Sometimes it rains heavily on my side of the world, so silly of me to think it was just merely rain. It was a free cleaning service grant upon me. To clear up the dust clouding my mind. To ease my pain. To let me see how beautiful the world is, after it is washed thoroughly. To let me see the beauty of rainbow.

I blamed the rain for my cold feet. Now I dance in rain. It was a gift. A precious one.

the glass is half full.

:)

mojo

2010-03-23T21:31:00.001+02:00

she just lost her mojo.

in

everything.

i remember what I forgot

2010-03-18T23:46:00.002+02:00

but i choose to stay forgetting.

blog.
i choose not to care. simply because. i need to forget remembering

emotions.
i choose not to give a damn. simply because. i need to remember what i forgot. rationality

friend to confide.
i choose not to pick one. simply because i broke one. and i alway remember not to forget what happened.

infatuation.
i choose to ignore. simply because it's stupid. and i remember that stupid is not a great feeling at all.

debate.
i choose to stay low. simply because remembering is pain. the fact that i DON'T want to remember is, i forgot how it suck to remember it again.

when i had to go all these through again. i feel pain. losing or winning is one thing. but this sensation remains till eternity. remember that i told u that. debating is a scar on my heart.

today, it somehow bleeds.

lupa

2010-03-06T20:41:00.002+02:00

Tolong lupakan bahawa saya pernah wujud.
Tolong lupakan bahawa kamu kenal saya.
Tolong lupakan saya.

Tolong.

seputih dan sehambar blog ini. Itu lah syaimaa ahmad. Tolong lupakan dia.

Dia bukan siapa siapa.

ingatkan dia tentang Allah ingatkan dia tentang mati. ingatkan dia tentang akhirat. ingatkan dia tentang neraka.

syaimaa ahmad sudah lupa,
lupa bahawa dia ada tujuan dalam hidup.
lupa bahawa dia perlu dilupakan.

seorang perempuan tak patut wujud di ingatan seorang lelaki yang haram baginya,
dia patut dilupakan
lupakan dia.

sesungguhnya, Allah tidak pernah lupa dosa kita

adakah kita yang lupa untuk ingat tentang esok yang masih gelap?

raindrops keep falling on my head...

2010-02-26T19:51:00.005+02:00

apparently.. raindrops keep falling on my family too.

a month. a month is all i need to see how things crumbled into small pieces.

but being ahmad's family, love will conquer all.

it takes just a word to ruin someone's life.

it starts with f

no. not f***.

f.i.t.n.a.h

h.a.s.a.d.d.e.n.g.k.i

i wish we all live in discreet island. i wish we can be happy as we are. i wish no one exist in my small happy world. my sweet close to heaven called; home.

may ALLAH grant mom and dad with strength and guidance.

i hope people will remember that ALLAH KNOWS.

and i pray for ALLAH to protect my family while i'm on my own little jihad.

and if i'm strong. no one. no one will ever do that to my family ever again. especially my dad. what were you thinking when you hurt this sick old man's heart? kamu memang jahat di mata saya.kejam.

secalit habuk di jendela

2010-02-24T14:00:00.001+02:00

kamu kata kamu peka hal agama,

bila gadis ini mengintai di pinggir jendela taqwa,

kenapa tak kamu tarik dia ke dalam?

kenapa sanggup biar dia diratah dosa?

bila dia kata aku mahu,

kenapa kamu tak bawa dia bersama?

aku sudah siap untuk di'reject'. tapi hari ini setelah di'reject' , sedih juga ya?

tak boleh salahkan sesiapa, saya juga yang ber'jin' sangat dulu..

siapa kata kita boleh lupakan masa lalu, buka buku baru?

sebab kisah lalu itu sebahagian dari diriku,

kalau tak mampu terima, maka siapa saya untuk berdebat lagi?

Ya Allah siapkanlah bagiku imamku, pendamping yang beriman

aku mahu ke jalanMu, mudahkanlah bagiku urusan ku.

happ happ hurray??

2010-02-23T10:07:00.002+02:00

klas dah mula... n i'm still at home... xdpt wat gak masuk spital sbb tak sempat.. adehh.. tunggu bulan 7 ni pulak..geram.. amik pisau tu toreh sendiri kangg... baru puas hati kot.. jalan pun terhencet-hencet.. coverr~

sehari lepas landing kat cairo airport, ada exam lagi. bagus syaimaa' bagus! assignment? baru siap kumpul bahan. harus.sunat.kene.wajib. siap draft sebelum take off. wajib!! ade paham?!

so skang tengah packing2.. n tunggu barang kiriman.. pesanan org 30% baru settle.. maaf ye.. ada yg tak sempat nk beli.. berjuta neyy lagi benda nak buat. tapi malas sungguh nk keluar dgn kakinye.. dgn panas nye.. pening kepala.

jumaat ni nak jumpe aiman lagi..oh! geram.. nanti lamalama rindu sangat... bila lagi nak jumpe awak yehh? bulan 7 muktamad!

esok kena g smkaa. malu~

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........ tak nak balik!

p/s- jumaat ni nak amik full album ngan emannn... wat bekal balik mesir.. nnt rindu susah

winterbreak

2010-02-17T13:20:00.002+02:00

17th feb. lagi 3 hari kelas akan bermula. selamat pulang ke Mesir kawan2ku.. selamat pulang ke realiti. selamat pulang ke tanggungjawab...

wah, suma dah upload gambar percutian yer.. dengki. tapi sy takkan upload gambar sy.. nnt kamu pula yg jeles separuh mati.. baik sy diam. ^^

kan sy kata.. sy pulang bersebab.. bukan nk bersukaria... mmg jeles dgn kamu yg melancong2.. tp sy tak sedia untuk itu.. sy pun tak sedia untuk pulang ke cairo u.. macam2 yg jadi sebelum midyear.. membuatkan sy lebih nekad untuk pulang.. dan perasaan untuk tidak kembali tu ada..

hidup yg baru.. masihkah sy ada peluang?

sy serabut disana.. boleh kamu semua tolong sy? tolong jangan serabutkan lagi bila sy kembali nnt? sy letih.. sy penat.. sy tak suka emosi2.. sy nak tenang2.. tamatkan 4 tahun ini.. mari tolong masing2.. tolong damaikan hidup masing2..

boleh?

terima kasih :)

heavenly

2010-02-15T19:05:00.002+02:00

i'm talking fooooooooood.... td masa balik dr kuala perlis *seafood bebehhh* ternampak satu papan tanda... it's red... it's hugeee, it's awesomeness! it is..... SECRET RECIPE!! in perlis!

grrreeeeaaaatt... i dun believe it... sejak bila? sejak bila? next time i come back maybe i'ld see MID valley *wish*wish*wish* tho mustahil! kekeke...

so, esok probably to satisfy my cravings for their choc indulgence.. yummeeh..

basically that's all about my winter vacation this year.. food. food.food. tv.tv.tv. and some more posting tomorrow. sorry yeh.. terlambat. kinda busy..jadi my dad's driver..

heaven!heaven!heaven!

10th day at home. lagi 4 hari klas akan mula.. owh.. i feel homesick already..

can i stay here and there at the same time? oh why?

tataw nak update ape dah.. life is fun when you're home.. u know, with people who loves you.. cares for you.. ain't home is your little close thing to heaven?

sumpah.tak.nyesal.habis.duit.untuk.balik. come to think of it. i hate being there...

penat jaga itu ini.. .. >:P

i'm not ready

2010-02-13T19:30:00.008+02:00

for this and beyond.

gmbr skdr hiasan

Rencana Tuhan penuh rahsia dan hikmah. Semoga satu hari nnt semuanya akan selamat. Yang penting sekarang sy tak lagi takut menghadapi esok. Sebab esok sy hanya ada..

midterm*final*graduation*4years*HO*humanitarian*masters in O&G*

and everything will be fine, insyaAllah.

kepada yang telah mendirikan rumahtangga (kak naimah dan abang isra')

pada musim winter ini..

tahniah, semoga ALLAH memberkati

kepada yang bakal pada musim summer pula. *ehem2..kak f*

semoga ALLAH mudahkan jalan kalian.

bertemu, berkasih, berpisah dijalan yg diredhaiNya

ameen

memang post berani mati. tp sy dah janji lepas midyear exam sy akan cerita. Ya, sy balik ke malaysia bkn untuk *kahwin*tunang* tapi sebaliknya... tolong jangan fikir pun pasal nak sensasikan apaapa pasal sy lg.. enough is enough.. you don't even know about my life. Not even close.. so DON'T even try!

but seriously guys.. kot ye pun nk bercinta, please don't put one more weight on your go-to-hell scale against go-to-heaven.. by celebrating valentine..you already put one because you said you love him. .more than your own religion. think! think! if you're done thinking, think again.
coz syaitan never stop thinking on how to fool us ^_^

i wear scarf because it's cheap..

2010-02-11T20:43:00.004+02:00

I did NOT say that....but i watched a video on fashion.. and that's what a girl . muslim.malay said. shocking. if scarves are cheap, then u are cheaper!.cheapest

Truthfully, i'm a bit offended on how muslim girls dress up nowadays. Of course girlfriends, we can dress to impress, but mind you, we have laws to abide. We can still stay pretty without showing off our bums and assets. I'm not going to talk about how jewels are kept in boxes and non-precious stones are covered with mud. You know that. But be simple and modest.

Trust me. Those guys just want to feast their eyes on you. When they said you look nice in that body-hugging outfits, THEY LIED. And if they said you look fat in baggy clothes, oh well they are just satan in disguise that wants you to be burnt in hell. You're not fat, you're just protecting your modesty. You are just following what God tells you to do. Being pious is attractive.

this is what rizalman ibrahim thinks or was it thought? i about islam and fashion. you judge.

PLEASE READ GIRLS

Rizalman,however feels very strongly that fashion and islam cannot mix.he has not participated in the IFF and neither does he promote islamic fashion in any form for the simple reason that he doesn't believe there is such a thing.

"fashion is fashion and islam is islam.i dont believe in mixing religion and fashion because religion doesn't stop one from partipating in fashion and islam encourages us to be beautiful,so its about what you think fashion is. "like the arab,you can wear shorts,skirts,and bustiers but you must know when and where to wear such clothes-at home among the women.But when you go out, you wear the jubah or hijab.

"When you mix fashion and religion there is no way out,thats why you see mid-length kaftans with calf leggings.Like you put up Al-Quran recital and mix it with hip hop.Aurat is still aurat.

"The reason why we cover our aurat and wear the jubah is to stop people looking at us.But if you wear colour,beading,etc,that's to invite people to look at you,and that's wrong".

So how does he deal with clients that wear the headscarf and selendang and want him to design

islamic style clothes? "if someone asks me to design something with specific requirements,i dont
consider it my creation.I am merely rendering a service to my client. He finds it very irritating when people think his designs are islamic fashion,as he says there is difference between referencing culture in a design and using religion.

"middle eastern fashion is cultural,that's where the reference comes from.if you're thinking of clothes that cover,our baju kurung is already muslim wear so why bother creating anything else?" Rizalman believes that before anything else,when it comes to covering up,what islam says is god's law,and that,to him cannot be changed according to whims and fancies.

"fashion is not just about clothes. You can still follow the fashion trends of shoes,bags and accessories,and forget about dresses and skirts that are not Muslim-appropriate.- rizalman

oh well. rasa nk bakar je dara.com. .. bertudung tapi.....*rolling eyes*

more to come. wait~

cinta tak bersyarat dan kiamat.

2010-02-10T13:14:00.002+02:00

dua tajuk. oke. mana nak mula dulu.

KIAMAT

hari ke-4 dirumah. malas sungguh nak keluar. tapi akibat desakan urusan pos mengepos. mari teruskan hidup. Bukan apa malas nk keluar. meh nak cerita.

satu. sy malas nak layan karenah orang2 pejabat ni. kononnya kempen budaya berbudi bahasa. tapi bagi salam jawab pun tidak. senyum jauh sekali. husnuzon2. sy pun nnt kerja kerajaan. bolehkah nak senyum ikhlas 24/7. Harap2 boleh. kasihan pesakit. Jangan main2 kak, bang. orang sekarang ada blog. Free2 nama kau naik kena kutuk satu dunia baca. Dua. depan2 mata kena potong line. Beradab sungguh. Masa kat Egypt selalu juga kena. Bolehlah dimaafkan. Dalam hati " takpelaa org arab~ mmg mcm ni" Balik2 kat malaysia pun sama. Sedih tengok bangsa sendiri pun sama. Tiga. Maksiatnya masyaAllah. Kirikanan ada balak@awek@makwe ape kebenda lagi lah. Menyampah tengok. Jalan macam dunia ni deorang yang punya. Orang lain pula, menda ni menda biasa. Pakaian takpayah lah cerita. Yg terdedah tu muda. Yg bertutup tua. Yg tua nk berasa jadi muda. apa payah. botox2 ni mahal. pakai je baju 3suku rm15 tu. ha mudalah kau. Aku jugaklah yang jakun kat negara sendiri. empat. Panas. cuaca malaysia lah katakan. biasa je ni. tapi still. malas nk keluar. lima. malas. ok. cukup lima sebab. cehh.. baru pegi mesir. mau belagak? bukan belagak kak, bang.. tp kenyataan. kita kan lagi 10 tahun nk wawasan 2020. apeke tak maju2 lagi kepala otak tu. Lainlah mesir.. jgnkan wawasan 2020.. wawasan tu pun agaknya takde dalam kamus diorang. berubahlah rakyat jelata oii.

sekarang boleh kait kan dengan KIAMAT?

belum??

yg baik dicerca, yg buruk dipuja. Makin lama makin pelik. malas nk cerita panjang. nnt orang kata politik. oklah fine. diam. Yg paling pelik dari yg pelik yg tua menyembah yg muda. jgn kata org lain. sy sendiri pun kena. Siap kena sound." jagalah perasaan orang juga" haiii.. zaman dulu2 kalau dah nama senior tu. dihormati. tp mintak maaflah di abad ke 21 ni yg tua tu sampah agaknya. bukan nak besar kepala dengan title senior, tapi... yg muda disayangi, yg tua dihormati.. kan? kita yg tua pula menyembah minta ampun, mmglah tak apa beralah sikit. tapi logiknya.. siapa yang kena takut pada siapa ni?

Kiamat sudah dekat. Takut melihat dunia sekarang. Pelik makin menjadi-jadi. saya pun tergolong dlm golongan pelik2 ni.

CINTA TAK BERSYARAT

muak mendengar perkataan cinta sekarang. sungguh. menyampah. Bukaklah TV anda tu. drama apa yg ada? kalau sehari tak sebut cinta. tak boleh hidup agaknya. Yg kita pula pandai. Nak bercinta carinya yg bagus2 je. Yg tak ok. harap maaf. di tolak separuh masak. tp yg cinta kita tak bersyarat itu siapa? Yg dah hitam bergalang dosa tapi masih dimuliakan siapa? Yg buta itu kita. marah ini bersebab. bacalah the star . belum pun 14 feb. macam2 iklan maksiat ada. Bertuhankan cinta dan kekasih. Heyy.. kalau kau muka lecur kena minyak goreng ikan tu.. bukan takat bf abes suma friends pun wat tak endah. Cinta kerana rupa. Cinta kerana harta. Tp Tuhan kita cinta tak bersyarat. Satu2nya peluang bercinta dengan betul2 tulus dan tak ada dusta. sanggup pula kita abaikan. Sy bukanlah baik sangat tp.. entah kenapa. perkara2 begini kadang2 mengusik hati sy. Sampai ada nyawa yg terbuang akibat "cinta" mulia kita tu. Dh penat beremosi. Semalam tengok drama TV, separuh gila perempuan tu sesal sbb bf dy mati sebelum sempat menuturkan "i love you" itu baru pada manusia, kak... kalau pada Pencipta? Kalau mati sebelum sempat cakap i love you too ALLAH. tak ke sesal sampai ke sudah?

Ya ALLAH lindungilah ummat Muhammad kekasihMu ini.

mood-less

2010-02-08T10:31:00.003+02:00

malas nk update.
malas nk buat apa-apa.

semuanya malas.
malas

banyak tol masalah.
kusut kepala otak.

p/s: i might undergo my first minor surgery, i don't know yet. I hope not. seumur hidup tak penah masuk OT. Is it going to be painful? i think. i'm scared.

I want to sing it out [siledengar]

2010-02-05T17:37:00.008+02:00

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Cairo and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine mommy, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky, I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
In even Cairo and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run [midyearexam ]
Mommy Daddy, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right

I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

goodbye Egypt, I'm going home tonight

kau bakar aku

2010-02-04T01:18:00.007+02:00

aku mencintaimu
seperti matahari mencintai titah Tuhannya
tak pernah lelah membagi cerah cahaya
tak pernah lelah menghangatkan jiwa

tapi
engkau mencintaiku
seperti matahari membakar hati
tak pernah cuba mencari teduh rimbun Kasih Rabbi
tak pernah lelah mencari resah.

sudahku katakan, murka
tapi engkau ingkar.
sudahku lentur, jangan
tapi engkau langgar

maka
saat kau kata
aku mencintaimu
seperti matahari,
aku harapkan mendung sampai kiamat.
biar gelita, tapi Tuhan akan beri aku bahagia.

adaptasi KCB. inspirasi kak fathy. walaupun bahasa sungguh puitis. tapi emosi saya marah. hati saya hancur luluh. sampai hati awak buat saya begini. Kalau dia lebih membahagiakan, maka awak tak perlukan saya. Pergilah kepada dia. Apa saya tak boleh beri awak ketenangan yang awak cari? Apa dengan saya awak masih sunyi? Sahabat jenis apa saya ni? Saya sedih awak tak sayang saya.

padahal, berulang kali saya sebut AKU SAYANG KAMU KERANA ALLAH. uhhibuki fillah. tapi awak................

saya sangat sedih. sangat. sangat.

This Is Syaimaa Ahmad.

2010-02-02T18:07:00.004+02:00

Have you heard about her?

If you haven't , then hello. She's me. I'm Syaimaa Ahmad. Yes. I'm that girl. I am easy. I don't even know how to describe myself. because i'm that easy.

I don't know how to be a brilliant student.
I don't know how to be a good daughter.
I don't know how to be a great friend.

I don't know how to love.
I don't know how to care.
I don't know how to learn.

perhaps, I don't even know if I know how to live this life.

what I know best is to hurt. to blame. to cry. to be emotional. to make damage.
Yes. I am harmful.

I can't live this life anymore. I better shut up my bitchy mouth and start doing good deeds. I've been keeping this for a long time. I'm sorry that I hurt so many people that I care and care for me too. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry i've been resenting all this while. It's not that I do not love you. I ran away, because i care. I don't want to bond with anyone. This harmful girl will hurt you bad. That's the reason i've been keeping distance. I regretted to the last bit of my life about the fight between me and Kautsar last time. I DON'T want to hurt anyone else. That's enough.

If you are among the people that I've hurt. I'm sorry. I'm done with all this.

I don't know how to befriend.
I don't know how to bond.
I don't know how to be good.

I just don't.

It's a good thing you walk out from my field of vision. You are safe.

I'm sorry, because I'm Syaimaa Ahmad and you can't do anything to fix this crumbled soul.
I'm sorry because you are in my zone, so you're susceptible to pain.
I'm sorry you have to see this.

yes. I'm rotten, babe. To the core, my dear. to the core. sorry i can't help that

semoga Allah mengampunkan dosaku kerana menyakiti hamba-hambaMu, Ya Allah
aku tak berniat.

teguran

2010-02-01T11:41:00.006+02:00

I don't know if i can accept it or not. But when it came from someone that you don't even want to see for the rest of your life how would you take it?

Personally, I feel a bit uncomfortable with it. To top it up, she [yes.it's a she] is a pious, diligent, beautiful, charming, graceful girl, i've ever know and she got everything which i'm not. The only thing that I have and she's not, is dreams. My dreams. My ever enchanting dreams which made out of clouds.nothing.

No. I did not hate her. Not even dislike. She's perfect to every good guy in this earth. Maybe that's the reason, I can't handle anything coming out from her. I just can't be her. seriously. I'm sorry.

And if people were to pick her out of me. I'm totally okay with that too. All I have is my pleasant self. I am thankful for what I am today.

alhamdulillah.

syaimaa ahmad tidak mempunyai kebesaran jiwa yang sebegitu unggul untuk menerima teguran dari dia. maaf. Perlu diperbaiki.
semoga dia dimuliakan disisiNya. ameen. :)

*p/s= saya sangat suka orang tegur saya. saya tak kisah. tapi dia saja saya kurang selesa. ada sebabnya. Lepas exam saya cerita. peribadi. oh. dia bukan orang dekat. dia orang jauh. saya pun baru kenal dia.

prayers

2010-01-31T05:58:00.005+02:00

today is the DAY
the Big day

A.N.A.T.O.M.Y
sumpah tak bersedia lagi

after today there will only be happiness

no more:
2tablet of paracetamol
1 cup of hot mocha
4 hours sleep per night
Stack of 8 books
100++ MCQ's

NO MORE,NO MORE

THERE WILL ONLY BE HAPPINESS, AND FOR THAT MOMENT,
I'LL STRIVE

*updated:-
ANATOMY, done! takmahu cakap banyak,
byebye MUMTAZ

healthy-lah tu

2010-01-29T06:04:00.006+02:00

I added a new gadget the side bar. scroll down to see it[righthandside].
It's the Health Tip Of The Day. Was hoping to see some -you should eat more veggies, or -you should drink plenty of water..

but all it says is this.

this peeps shud really go to med school

yup! from the very first day. This gadget had been rambling about diet,get thinner, eat less, loss weight. You're not thinking what i'm thinking right? nak kutuk aku fat lah tu.. what everrr

And I found a website. Totally crap. tp cam syok nk baca lepas exam pulun habiskan . ha-ha. read it at your own risk. HERE. lol. budak2 please jangan baca. Nanti mak tanya sape ajar curse2 ni.. Tolong jangan jawab blog kak syaimaa'. Tampar kang baru tahu.

got to go. Anatomy esok. Mahu nangis darah.

bahagia

2010-01-28T18:28:00.003+02:00

bahagia dunia tu sekejap je. pastu mati. then habis.

What did we do today?

i
care
for
you
do
you
care
for
me
too
?

syurga itu mahal. bahagia itu sukar. mumtaz itu mencabar. tapi Allah itu dekat
closer than your vein.

smile macam nii. :*

2010-01-27T19:18:00.005+02:00

darling itu bukan smile-lah, itu kiss.. i noe. ily~

Syaimaa Ahmad is pulling a happy face now.

tq nuha.kakcfah n kakakkakak dari russia.kaknadie.dini.diyana.

aku histo lingkup tapi hati bahagia~

on a different note, kenapa orang mulut kurang ajar sangat eh? mulut aku pun same je kot.. oh well..

toddles~

the one thing that i had in common with Bella Swan is

2010-01-26T14:55:00.006+02:00

we both hate cold. It's 8 degree Celsius.baru 8, canada -5 ye shah?.. klau aku kat sana xkuar umah lah jawabnye.. pegilantakkaulah nak main salji kebende macam ni?

zati @ Turkiye

My phalanges are freezing. I don't hate winter. But I dislike cold.susahnakstudy. xyahlah cakap pasal fokusfokus. nk selak mukasurat pakai tiuptiup [tanak kuarkan tangan dari selimut, comel i noe~]

lagi satu common thing...

dua-dua nk jadi vampire. ke batman? MIB lah konon

enuf merepek for one day.
bye!

uhibbukum fillah

2010-01-23T08:44:00.007+02:00

sometimes something is best to be left unsaid. but this is not it. so I am going to say it out loud.

saya sayang kamu kerana ALLAH
saya berdoa semoga ukhwah kita akan selama-lamanya dibawah rahmat Ilahi
ameen

selamat maju jaya dalam Mid Year sume orang.. kakak2 ku tercinta, adik2 dikasihi, sahabat diingati. and mereka2 di Bait Ansar.. {sy tahu kamu stalk saye *wink* ye syg kamu juga} geng2 sebatch MEP08. warga medic mesir.

nak taip nama sume orng penatlah. physio pun tak settle lg ~_~!
*p/s= mari double usaha dan doa

nobody loves me

2010-01-22T09:33:00.013+02:00

like He does... ;)

-fact and figures-

title- Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head
author- Syaimaa' Ahmad
follower- 20
silent readers- many [i checked the stats]
haters- a few
Secret Admirers- i don't know
friends- a lot

anyway
I posted about me being in a middle of confrontation
and what I got was this

silent

not even a two-words phrase like good luck, be strong etc. Yep.. I checked twice. Nothing.
sungguh 'terharu'.

Despite the overflowing traffics in here, there's nothing. Whenever I'm hurt or in a crisis, I'm always alone.

Just a simple saying like we care for you is overwhelming. I waited. But nothing too.

Then I reached for my pink Al-Quran. I flipped the pages bluntly. All the sudden my gaze stopped to this ayah..

Allah. rase nk menangis tiba2. I've seen this ayah before. But this time it was different. It's the answer for my questions. On the perfect situation. With accurate timing. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah.

He led me here. He told me He's near. What else can I ask for?
I don't need thousands of motivational words from friends. I don't need love notes from my lover. I don't need hundreds of followers supporting me all through. All I need is Him.
And He said He is always there for me. *bahagia*

Dia jauhkan mereka yang mengasihi aku, rupanya Dia menghantar KasihNya buatku. :)
Ya Allah, jgn tinggalkan aku.

what was that again? sorry, i'm not listening.

2010-01-19T18:02:00.004+02:00

Syaimaa Ahmad is currently in some kind of confrontation.

She'll get back to you, after she dealt with it. hopefully soon.

ciou!

whattheeff~

2010-01-17T12:49:00.009+02:00

I made a video using window movie maker
but apparently I can't upload it anywhere.
*copyright infringement* blahhhh!!
i used the At The Beginning song as the background audio

So now~ How am I suppose to share my piece of art with my friends ?? [the one I'm dedicating the video to? don't even mention via email, it's like hugeeee kot~ ] gahhhh.. this is so depressing and awfully stupid too. What am i thinking? of course they'll find out. any idea on how i can mengelat from being detected?

and these annoying bugs just wouldn't leave me alone. If u don't know someone please DO NOT ADD THEM ON YM, FB or any other social network web page. whatthehell??
why would u want to chat with strangers? exactly! so move away!

oh the so-called-modern-age! i HATE it!!!

i miss family

2010-01-15T22:02:00.003+02:00

i wish internet calls x buat hal [booo VOIP]
i wish Emirate's tickets are as cheap as Air Asia (they might as well give me free flights)
i wish Celcom is still available
i wish Egypt-Malaysia are as close as Klang-Kangar
i wish i could be Clark Kent and fly back home
i wish i'm there and not HERE!! :(

Salman! mengada2 sungguh hang eh.. setiap kali cuti balik! booooo manja!!

haihhhomesick oiii~

mushmush

2010-01-14T15:08:00.006+02:00

the main reason why I choose to stay home instead of going for the revision classes on study leave is this

haha. It's not true anyway. I DON'T wear cosmetics to class except baby powder talc and some cover-the-puffy-panda-eyes thingy only.[yes, i do look like manusia tenat if i don't cover it up]

Tho some girls told me that my cheeks sometimes blushs. It's my skin okay, not blusher! I got a sensitive skin and it's actually painful sometimes.When the weather gets cold and dry,my cheeks turned red and hot. Not fun at all. Most of them finds it as cute. Well, I don't. hoii, bersyukur~

But, the choosing outfit for school is SICK! No, i don't want to look pweety.. but just enough by being presentable and muslimah I might add. I miss KISAS i guess, at this moment. You can wear the same maroon prep outfit with the same white tudung for a week, and no one give a hoot about it. except the chaos about the arm-socks' colour issue. LOL [ape tu? hitam itu mengoda? kah3~lawakbodoh]

esok jom buat ngeng sket. tetibe muncul kat Cairo Univ mcm ni. what say u?

and this. aaauuh~ super cute!

Oh well~ girls will never stop be a girl. tudung senget pon kecoh.

I told a friend about it, and
his response was like these:-

pi dpn almari
amek baju
sarung
sudah*
pstu g kls

guys~! they can even live with the same shirt for 3 days. kan?

N/B: i'm officially kicking off for my 7days detox program, starting tomorrow. ehemz.
anyways, i hope it works. btw, it's 10 days to midyear people! WAKE UP!!!

P.O.I sir!

2010-01-13T20:44:00.004+02:00

this is not my team, nobody cares to upload it on YT

I miss this. I honestly do. The best experience would be my first debate at SMK Padang Siding. It was my first and the only that I got the best speaker. I would kill to see the look on my opponents' faces just one more time. [reaksi kerek mereka before the competition was like "hey, berapa kali kau masuk debate? "err.. ni first time" "ouh~ We knew xpenah nmpk pon sebelum ni" pehh kerek giler. amek kau, ak bantai cukup

I'm the only girl in the ALL_GUYS team. jd anak manja~ kih2 ..And the Safira Country Club experience [National level, kalah time preliminary.. g penang nk jln2 je.. haha] KISAS team [err, no comment] owh, the good old days~

thanks sir for giving me the opportunity and trust. I miss the no-school on Tuesday due to the weekly competitions before state level. sorry guys. i lost the photo :(

study hard yer baby?

2010-01-12T20:42:00.002+02:00

i can't study today, since this morning my head is like woooo-hoooooooooooooooo. [makan panadol mcm smarties dah, xphmla knp, my eyes? my biological clock? my melatonin? bgn tido naseb baik x jerit dlm bathroom. terkejut tgk muke sendiri.. mcm han-- dgn mata bengkaknye]

hoo heyyy I'm still fighting with the pening2 lalat mode, but.... Nevertheless neuroanatomy-padan-muka-jarang2-selak-dan-tolak-tepi and histology-tak-reti-reti-lagi-ke-nak-study is waiting hopelessly on my table. MARILAH MARILAH! dy panggil~ [rasa mcm nk bg flying kick kat diri sendiri sebab pemalas]

asal takley jadi mcm budak kicik ini. ahhh diam kau, cemakmalas.

btw, tgh round2 youtube. then jumpe vid ni.. and a few more on premature babies.. haih.. terus turun semangat jerai nk study embryology-hari-hari-tak-cukup-cukupke-torture-hariini-
sedih nye.. tak sampai hati woo nk jd paed. [ookaayy. bukan kau lah faiznadila] seryes sian tgk baby suffer.

beautiful baby be strong~ sobsobsobs :(

amboihh.. rajen sungguh update belog yerr.. exam lagi berapa hari kak?
jangan risau esok update lagi. tak serik. kui3

orang gila

2010-01-12T13:03:00.009+02:00

Doktor:ubat ini makan 2 biji sehari, selepas makan.
pesakit: baik
[*balik ambik ubat rendam dalam air. ambik kain celup2, letak kat mata*]
b@n&@n&!~
Doktor; dh makan ubat
pesakit; *sengih* Dah!

Seorang Doktor memberi ubat kepada pesakitnya. Lalu dia memberitahu kepada pesakit tersebut preskripsi dan cara-cara utk makan ubat tersebut. Ubat ini confirm mujarab. Tapi pesakit kepada doktor tersebut mengambil ubat tersebut lalu gantung dileher atau mencelup dalam air dan minum. Kemudian pesakit ini, merungut kerana belum sembuh dari penyakitnya.[what the??] Tidakkah kita rasa pesakit ini bukan lagi layak dihantar ke hospital biasa, tapi seeloknya dihantar ke Hospital sakit jiwa?

dipetik dan di olah dari analogi Abu A'ala al-maududi dalam bukunya, Dasar- Dasar Islam

Beliau menganalogikan kita yang diberi AL-QURAN sebagai as-syifaa, sebagai ubat, dan penawar segala masalah rohani dan jasmani tapi kita sekadar celup dalam air, pakai dileher [baca sekadar baca, hafal untuk penghormatan orang, dsb..]

kalau kita tergolong dalam golongan mencelup ubat dan mengantung kapsul dileher @ baca Al-Quran tp x ambil pengajaran, maka samalah kita dengan katogeri pesakit diatas itu... iaitu ORANG - - - -~ paham2 ajelah

zaman sekarang, yang bela kebatilan disanjung, yang bela kebenaran dicerca habis-habisan. Memang gila.
Nak buat baik pun kena bersembunyi2, nak buat maksiat boleh pulak terang-terangan. Memang gila.
Dah nak jatuh ketepi, kita kata nnt jatuh sakit, takkkkk best2~ nak terjun jugak.. gila x gila tu?

ha, terjun2.. klau mati jgn ckp saya tak warning

maksud gila kamus dbp;
1 menanggung akibat sakit fikiran; tidak sihat fikiran; sakit otak: .
2 tidak spt biasa; tidak dpt diterima akal; yg bukan-bukan:

saya tak kata awak gila, awak yg conclude sendiri..
rupanya saya pon gila juge~ haihhh
salam muhasabah~

post ini agak berbelit-belit dan kasar bnyk pulak perkatan g.i.l.a, saya cuba untuk minimize jumlah perkataan,sebab...membaca itu bosan. saya sudah maklum. klau agak2 rasa tak paham sesuatu, TANYA, jangan pandai tafsir sendiri. Buruk padahnya. ruangan comment adalah untuk pertanyaan. Jangan cakap2 belakang je keje~

cinta

2010-01-10T17:59:00.006+02:00

Aku lihat cinta itu hina
rosak dan merosakkan
aku melihat sesempurna bangsa rapuh rosak kerananya

aku lihat cinta melenyapkan akhlak pendeta
meruntuh sebuah kota
menconteng selembar sejarah milik kita

aku pandang sepi pada cinta
sampai kata-kata mu jadi bahan gelak tawa
sampai tak jadi khalifah manusia dibuatnya
sampai pandai putar belit ayatNya
sampai berani melawan Kuasa.

katakan lah, "aku hendak mengingatkan kepadamu satu hal sahaja, yaitu agar kamu mencari kebenaran kerana Allah (ikhlas) berdua-duaan, atau bersendirian, kemudian agar kamu berfikir (tentang Muhammad) Sesungguhnya kawan mu itu tidak gila sedikit pun, Dia tidak lain hanyalah seorang pemberi peringatan bagi kamu sebelum menghadapi azab yang keras"

[34:46] surah Saba', ayat 46

Ya Allah, jangan dekatkan aku dengan cinta. Aku takut. Aku sudah jelek melihatnya.
Kalau terbenam, bukan sebarang bahasa boleh mengubatnya.

raindrops

2010-01-09T18:40:00.005+02:00

Hari ni sakit kepala sangat2, balik kelas pukul 1 tido sampai pkl 3. Berdenyut2. Hajat dihati mahu call rumah tepat pukul 2 @ pukul 8 mlm malaysia. Tapi terbabas. Sori ma, sori Ba.. esok saya janji untuk call.

Pening saya bersebab.Tapi sebab pening saya mesti mengadu disini sebentar. Izinkan.

[saya tak mahu buzz sesiapa di-ym dan mengadu. Saya nak ajar diri sendiri kuat untuk berseorangan. Sebab sampai sekarang tiada yang halal untuk jadi tempat mengadu selain ALLAH. Dan walaupun ramai yang cakap ianya di tangan Tuhan, kita kena percaya akan janji Allah bahawa jodoh pertemuan ditanganNya, tp satu menda yang awak semua perlu tahu, jodoh kita tidak semestinya manusia, boleh jadi jodoh anda adalah maut, dan oleh sebab itu saya perlu bersedia. Bersedia untuk hidup berseorang, dan insyaAllah mati berseorangan]

repekan bermula; [oh, sudah mula rupanya diatas sana. maaf.]

Kalau dear readers perasan saya tukar title blog. It's a song actually. Sangat menepati my life. bole wat syaimaa anthem. Raindrops ialah dugaan, ujian, kesusahan, wat eva yg sama dgnnya. Yes, raindrops keep falling on my head. Tpi hey, hidup adalah proses mematangkan diri, tapi untuk apa? Untuk MATI. Maaf, saya bukan pessimist di sini. Tapi betul. Dunia Ladang Akhirat. Terlalu mengejar dunia sampai lupa. Kita Hidup Untuk Mati.

Tp selalu kita lupa. Ujian, dugaan, harapan, kejayaan adalah semua ujian untuk ke akhirat. How did we dealt with our life. The way we prepared for death, is it as hard as we did for our exam? we stuffed caffeine to stay awake for tests. But never did we care to stay awake for Qiam. Okay. Saya merasa amat hancur sekarang.

Kalau tanya semua orang, siapa yakin dunia akan kiamat. Semua angkat tangan. Tp klau tanya, siapa yakin akan jadi doktor 6 tahun lagi? atau. Anda yakin bf anda sekarang adalah suami anda nanti? Anda pasti hidup anda senang selepas 6 tahun belajar medik? anda berani untuk angkat tangan? sedangkan saudara Ammar juga pulang sebelum menjadi doktor. [al-fatihah] Masakan saya boleh yakin saya akan hidup sampai 1700++ hari lagi?

Tidak siapa tahu kesudahan diri sendiri. Tapi dunia ini sudah terang dan pasti kesudahannya. Kiamat. Berapa kali Allah sebut dalam Alquran. Masih tak percaya lagi? Tapi masih, saya gigih untuk dunia yang tak pasti. tak pulak gigih untuk akhirat, lupa pada yang pasti. Ini bukan untuk anda. Saya pasti anda manusia yang baik. Tapi diri saya sendiri. Berlaku adillah pada dunia dan akhirat. Saya masih tak mampu. Susah untuk berusaha untuk perkara yang tak nampak kan? Entah. Mulut pandai bercakap. Akal bijak menyusun ayat. Tapi kekuatan hati untuk tetap di jalanNya susah.
Puncak iman; percaya tanpa sebarang bukti.
Ini, bukti merata-rata. Tengok kulit badan sendiri pun adalah buktiNya, tak jugak teringin nak percaya. Iman tahap apa pulak aku ni? Ya Rabb~

semoga Allah masih belum menutup pintu hati kita untuk hidayahNya. Semoga walau berjuta kali kita menolak dan akhirnya datang kembali, DIA masih sudi terima. Semoga setiap kali kita kembali, kita akan kekal padaNya. Semoga setelah 100 kali kita berlari pergi, kali yang ke 101 kita sudah letih dan datang mencari. Semoga setelah puas dilukai, kita berhenti menangis dan mencintai Ilahi. Kalau pun bukan didunia ini menitip bahagia, semoga Allah datangkan wildan buat kamu disyurga. Semoga setelah hujan ini berlalu, kita masih dapat melihat pelangi.

Awan yang membawa hujan,
datang ke kesini mencurahkan isinya.
Setelah habis isi awan, ia akan pergi,
Yang tinggal hanya butir2 halus di hujung daun.
Yang tinggal hanya lecak dan lopak air diatas tanah dan kotor. tinggal hanya benih2 yang subur disimbah hujan.

seperti hujan,
dugaan[dunia] akan pergi
habis dan hilang seperti perginya awan sesudah hujan
yang tidak berbuat apaapa,
seperti lopak, kotor dan tak berguna.
yang tinggal hanya meraka yang mengambil manfaat darinya
seperti benih, selepas hujan semakin subur

Tuhan, aku tak mahu menjadi lopak

my cute stalker

2010-01-08T00:58:00.010+02:00

First there were hate-comments in my chatbox. Then, the anonymous P.I.A. came along. Next, I got the "We Hate You Syaimaa' Ahmad Boycott" going on. And now mysterious midnight singing phone calls. Seriously?

i feel like in high-school again, the notes, the i-don't-like-you, the suratlayang, the prank calls. We're too old for these, aren't we?

Okayy.. i admit, I'm not cool. Neither am i hot, but why are you keep bugging me? Are you not that cool to mess with the un-cool-ers like me?

apparently keeping a comfortable distance too did not work. Hurmm, what else?

btw, sgt comel-lah mereka itu, menghilangkan tensen saya dimalam hari.. oh ye, malam ni buat lagi ye :* i lykeee it! but next time, can u make it less memekak and more syahdu? oh oh.. i like the beatles.

baju rebus

2010-01-06T14:10:00.006+02:00

yes.. i'm not just capable in cooking mee rebus, but apparently.. i can do baju rebus too. cool huh? i was washing my dirty clothes, but i did not realise that the heater was on. I leave it and went studying (read; layan facebook) 30 minutes later, i saw steam vaporizing from my washing machine. ARgghhHH.. fortunately, none of my delicate dress were in the boiling pot (washing machine) klau x jahanam abess~

but actually it might be a good idea for removing stains. enzyme reaction, optimum temperature bla, bla, bla... i'm quite smart, no? proof. read this

A washing method for a boiling clothes washing machine having a heater which provides a method for dissolving enzyme detergent in washing water. The washing water is heated to a temperature for activating the enzyme detergent, and then the clothes to be washed are drenched. Another method for dissolving the enzyme detergent in the washing water is to heat the washing water along with clothes to the boiling point, thereby obtaining sterilization, deodorization and bleaching. This method reduces the amount of washing water to be supplied and also reduces the washing time. [source] clap.. clap!

this is pure cuteness.
too bad i had too much of winter shopping for this year
maybe next year
mesir bknnyer sejuk sgt ponn

btw i got hater[s] stalking my page now, how cool is that? bug! shuhhh shuhh~

baju rebus

2010-01-06T13:53:00.000+02:00

Dear GuyFriend

2010-01-02T11:32:00.004+02:00

Be professional.
If you're not serious with me,
walk out.

Thank You.

i miss that

2009-12-29T22:11:00.005+02:00

i miss rolling over my bed,
i miss talking and smiling alone
joking with someone over something.
i can't even remember about what.

i miss the feeling of missing,
time definitely changed everything.
but am i still a human?

I switched off every single signs.
I rejected every possible calls.
I moved my gaze.
I took off.
I ran.

I'm untouchable.
You overdosed me
and now I'm numb..

I'm unbeatable.
You can't crossed me over.

I'm unreachable.
I'm on the 'other' side
I can't hear you anymore.
and neither do you.

i closed my eyes for you, and i opened them for something else and now i feel better. thank you Allah
Numb is a great feeling. I lost everything i felt great about and totally different, the only thing about me that remains is this insane "emotional~" ooooh~

i miss debating.
i miss being ridiculous.
i miss shopping.
i miss staying up chatting with kautsar.
i miss mommy n daddy
i miss my bro n sisters
i miss my funky n spacious bed
i miss spending time alone in my room
i miss taken care of
i miss faiz nadila
i miss aiman zharif
i miss syamil afiq
i miss sofea
i miss everyone back home
i miss YOU too, yes you.. the one reading this right now.

camwhoring~

2009-12-28T21:28:00.004+02:00

thinking of buying a camera, since i left mine for my sister. tho i never made a budget-plan for it. Maybe next year.or this year? ;P

so? which will it be? DSLR? [gambar2 temptingly chantekkk, tp i x pro =( bleh belajar ke? ] Compact digital camera? senang, ringan. x mudah rosak, but which one? Sony? Canon? Lumix? hurmmm..

semangat gila kot. taun depan nk beli, taun ni dah kena kira2 duit syiling~ kui3.. plan maw mantap babe!' Taun depan nk g UK, taun ni dah nk beli Trench Coat.

teringat kat hani~ miss you! [xpakai dslr pon edit ngn picnik jd je kann?]

taken using star

stalker

2009-12-26T07:50:00.006+02:00

ni memang hobi feveret, bila weekend. stalk balqis. haha. xdekejekannn? Tapi mcm shah ckp, baby takde dosa, innocence. Tenang je bila tengok derang. Tensen je, gi main ngn baby. Tak caya? try

sape yg tak rase nk gelak tngk ni? kiutlah awak nihhh
[kak mursyidah, sy pinjam gambar balqis ye]

source

aiman zharif, maklong rindu kat awak~

I don't have to, but i choose to~

2009-12-25T15:27:00.005+02:00

okay.. saya tahu anda akan kata cerita ni agak bodoh sebab, sentuh2, tudung sekerat jalan and all.. tapi.. ambillah yg baik, tinggalkan yg buruk. okay?